Friday, May 7, 2010

Don't be hating...whatever I do what I want


I’m supposed to be working but I decided a blog post was more the thing.  This is the things I hate episode…

  1. Bras that hook in front.  For some reason the last time I bought bras every freaking one I bought fastens in the front even though I knew I hated that.  That’s what I get for bra shopping online with my best friend vodka.  My problem with bras that hook in front is this…whenever I am out in public, with no warning, in the worst possible place that fucker will unhook and set the girls free.  Now I like the feeling of my boobs running free as much as the next woman but they are large and rather floppy.  I’m reminded of that teacher on South Park, Choksondik with her nipples hanging down out of the bottom of her sweater.  Yep, that would be me.
  2. People who stand at stop lights and collect money for charity.  I can hear the whole two people who read this booing me now but hear me out.  I hate this because I have to give them money.  They don’t make me and I know I’m welcome to drive on by but I just can’t.  If they feel passionately enough about something to stand in the hot sun or the rain and collect money for it then by god I’m going to give them something (many times the last bit of money I have).  Even if it is for a cause that I care nothing about (Save the super slimy worm that climbs up people’s noses…well maybe I wouldn’t give to that one.  I’d be curled up in a corner somewhere with my hand over my nose shivering in horror that such a thing exists.) I will still give.  I hate to think that someone is suffering somewhere and I didn’t stop.  The part I really hate is when I have no money with me at all and I don’t see them standing there until it’s too late to detour and I have to drive through…then I spend all day feeling like an ass.  I hate that.
  3. Reality TV.  I don’t watch American Idol or Dancing with the Stars or The Bachelor or The Biggest Loser or Let’s see how many foreign objects I can fit in my anus (That’s not a show?  Really?  They televise everything else…I’d think that would be a hit.).  My own life has enough drama that I don’t need to tune into other people’s.  Though I will tell you a secret.  We’re all friends here, right?  You won’t tell anyone?  Okay, here it goes…the real reason I don’t watch reality TV is…I’m an addict.  Going back to the America’s Next Top Model debacle of 2008…if I start watching I can’t stop.  It sucks me in and I start to care about these people.  I find myself rearranging my schedule so I can watch it when it’s on.  I watch the extra videos online.  I try to find out what the people are doing after the show is over.  It’s horrible and I felt dirty all the time so I quit cold turkey.  Though every now and then I still feel the urge.
  4. Girl Scout cookies.  Actually I love me some girl scout cookies, what I hate is that they are only available once a year.  What’s up with that shit?  Offer perfect sugary goodness and then yank it away.  Every year I tell myself, “hey I’ll buy extra this year and freeze them and then I can have girl scout cookies whenever I want.”  Yeah right…I just end up eating that many more of the damn things in the same amount of time and still no cookies for the rest of the year.  Stupid Girl Scouts.
  5. Facebook.  I use Facebook, most of my “friends” are family or people I knew from school.  But with the exception of my family, do I really care how someone I haven’t seen in literally twenty years and I didn’t like that much to begin with is doing?  The only posts I seem to care about are my family stuff and the few bloggers I also follow on Facebook (I loves me the bloggers I follow…they are all wonderful).  So, you ask, why don’t I unfriend those high school people?  That is a good question thanks for asking.  The reason is because as soon as I unfriend someone I will run into them in the grocery store even though it has not happened in the whole twenty years we’ve lived in the same town.  Karma works that way, you know.  Karma is kind of a mean bitch.
  6. Getting old.  This is a no brainer, right?  I can’t color my hair the color I want without people going, “You work in an office, you can’t have blue hair.”  I had to take out all the piercings in my left ear (I had eight) because my ear started to cauliflower (stupid cauliflower ear…and no you can’t see it.  Freaks.)  I had to take out my nipple ring because of surgery and now I’m too embarrassed to go get it repierced because I’m a grandmother for god’s sake and I don’t want to be one of those pathetic old people who dress like they’re still sixteen (what do piercings and clothing have to do with each other?  Why absolutely nothing…it’s like you’re being purposely dense).  I also hate the fact that I ache all the time like I did some strenuous exercise when I really haven’t moved in two days.  If I’m going to ache like I’ve been having wild sex then I better have had some wild sex (Hubby…looking at you here). 
  7. Daddy long legs.  They are a creepy head with legs.  What kind of thing has legs growing out of its head?  When I was a child and running barefoot around the farm (yes, I grew up on a farm…a pig farm) I stepped on a daddy long legs and it was squashed on the bottom of my foot and I couldn’t get it off and I was traumatized.  No one would help me they just laughed at me. I still have not recovered from the horror.
  8. Worms.  Any kind and all kinds of worms are super creepy.  I don’t care how good they are for the soil and that they feed the pretty birdies.  They are slimy and gross.  Yuck, I say, yuck.  This is why on the few occasions I’ve fished I’ve used artificial bait or I don’t fish (I also won’t take a fish off the hook…fish = also slimy).
  9. Sad movies.  I cannot stand anything that makes me cry.  Especially sad movies about children.  They make me want to hunt the writers down and beat them to death with a pointy, thorned stick.  *Whack* How dare you even think something like that about beautiful babies *Whack*  Yes, sad movies make me crazy violent.  I still have not recovered from the saddest movie ever “What Dreams May Come”.  If you don’t think that is the saddest movie ever you have a heart of stone and I stab you with my pointy stick.
  10. Movies about animals.  This goes back to not liking sad movies (really these should have been together but you know what?  I’m still sleepy and I couldn’t think of ten things so they got separated…deal with it).  I cannot watch a movie where an animal is hurt or dare I say it killed.  I have never seen Bambi.  When my family watched Ol’ Yeller I spent the whole time in the bathroom with my hands over my years going “Lalalalala”.  The only way I will even watch an animal movie at all is if someone else watches it first and lets me know it’s okay.  God help them if they lie to me because they think it’s funny.  I’m on the edge, people.  Expose me to animal trauma at your own peril.

9 comments:

  1. 1. You are not Choksondik, for crissake. I don't like your front-hook bra, either, by the way. I don't like any of your bras, for that matter, but that's for a different discussion.

    2. Now, now, there's nothing wrong with charities trying to help Guinea worms or bot fly larvae. Except for the fact they're a secret plot to take over the world! Don't tell anyone, though. It's supposed to be a secret.

    3. Nothing wrong with being an addict, baby. I'm addicted to you, you know. I know, I know, you're addicted to Adrianne Curry but whatever... you're no Brady, I get to keep you.

    4. Next time we get Girl Scout cookies, I'm hiding them from you.

    5. Facebook sucks. I hate Facebook. The only reason I use Facebook is because other people use Facebook--including my family members. The good thing is facebook is dying. Thank goodness. See here and here.

    6. If you didn't move for two days, it's no wonder you're sore! Get off your ass and come gimme kisses.

    7. Daddy long legs are nice little creatures that just want to hug you. With their faces, because, you know, their arms come out of their head, which makes them the real face huggers.

    8. If you hate worms so much, why are you always saying "Everybody hates me, I'm down in the garden eating big fat worms?" Make up your mind, woman!

    9. I sometimes just want to cry. Sad movies make me cry. So sad movies are awesome.

    10. I'm more prone to bond with people, not animals. I get you, but a movie like Seven Pounds is more saddening and makes me want to pull out my liver and hand it to someone.

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  2. Oh, I haaaaaaaaaaate stoplight charities!!! I HAAAAAAAATE them!!! I will go the opposite direction I wanted to go, just to avoid them! And as I drive away, I will swear not to support whatever charity is doing it! I like the charities that send me personalized address labels.

    I once read ONE scene in a book that involved someone HURTING an animal, and I threw the book across the room and haven't read anything by that author since. (I am totally lying: I did read other books by that author. But I was mad at him for a long long time.)

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  3. I like the charities that send me the address labels too...though I never remember to use them and the babies end up sticking them all over the house and using them as fake band-aids.

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  4. I have so much to say, but I will limit myself to two things.

    Bras that hook in front are horrid, and even vodka could not convince me to purchase another one. Why? Partly because they unsnap unexpectedly . . . who wants a bra that cannot be relied upon to do the one thing it has been asked to do?

    The other reason? Because I was in a meeting one time, and I leaned forward and felt my front closure bra begin to unsnap. I pretended that I needed to itch that spot right between my boobs, and tried to get it closed again through my blouse.

    I succeeded, but I also managed to snap in a small bit of my flesh. Which hurt like hell for the next 15 minutes before I could make reasonable exit for bathroom. OW.

    And I am also with you on the sad movies. I HATE having my feelings manipulated that way, and if I happen to be in the room when a sad movie is playing, I will loudly start talking crap about cinematography or lack of continuity or what I had for lunch until the sadness is done.

    Hate others giving me tears because the mommy deer died. Stupid Bambi.

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  5. Stupid, stupid Bambi. My evil youngest sister keeps trying to get me to read, watch sad shit. She will recommend a book or a movie and then laugh quietly to herself while I run shrieking from the room after the sad bits come on. Evil, I tell you evil...

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  6. just found your blog! awesome! so don't like reality tv or the jersey shore either. and shows about animals that make me cry - that shit should be blown up. great music list, too!

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  7. Thank you! I'm so excited you're here!

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  8. Do you hate awards? Because I gave you one today on my blog. I got an award, and was instructed to pass it on to 10 other bloggers......so since it's my first time at this particular rodeo, I decided to hand the awards out to my last 10 commenters. And you were one of them. Congratulations? I can't tell if these awards are an actual win - or just a glorified chain letter. Let me know. (And I didn't want to post this on the Dio thread, because OBVIOUSLY. I don't dance on graves.
    xoxo
    Daffodil

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  9. Hahaha, you crack me up!

    I hate reality TV only because it's all just so obviously fake. It makes me feel stabbity when other people get so obsessed with stuff like 16 and Pregnant and Let's See How Many Foreign Object I Can Fit In My Anus (because that one's definitely the next big hit), and yet really good shows like Dollhouse and others I can't think of right now don't last because our society has become too soft headed to keep track of anything.

    I can rant about this all day. Anyway.

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