Monday, September 6, 2010

I love ol' sneaky snake

My daughter thinks she's sneaky.  After 21 years of being caught repeatedly at her "hijinks" she still thinks she's sneaky.  You think she'd realize that I'm onto her but for some reason she's not picked up on that yet.  First of all she has this lie face.  Everytime she's lying she makes this face.  I wish I could describe it.  It's a don't look at me, I'm up to something kind of face.  She doesn't seem to realize she's making it so she thinks I'm a mind reader.  Well I am and I know what you are thinking and doing right now and that is so gross and your hand does not belong there.  See I am psychic...I knew exactly what you were doing.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

I feel like they're crawling all over me...

I was sitting in my office when I heard what sounded like my colleague tap dancing out in the hall.  I ignored it for a while but as it continued I had to get up and see what was going on.  She was kicking at a cockroach…the largest cockroach I have ever seen.  It was currently on its back flailing around trying to right itself so it could go carry off a small child.  The woman I work with was trying to kick it down the hall away from her office. Someone had told her that if you squish a cockroach with your shoe their eggs attach to the bottom of the shoe and then come home with you and your house gets infested with roaches and possibly the plague. (Does anyone know if this is true?)  I got grossed out and went back into my office to quietly gag and freak out.  When I came back out of my office later the cockroach was gone.  We still haven’t recovered the cleaning woman it carried off.

I swear it was at least this big...

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Creative murder technique

I was driving down the road with my husband and daughter one summer day before my daughter graduated from high school.  As I often do I sucked spit down into my lungs and started to cough.  Apparently after four decades my body still hasn’t figured out that the trachea is for oxygen not liquids.  I started coughing very hard.
My husband looked at me for a minute as I struggled to drive and hack up a lung and then told me, “Stop choking, you’re driving.”
My daughter laughed so hard she almost peed herself and I nearly expired as I tried to cough and laugh at the same time.
Way to try to kill me, Edwin.