Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Procrastination sucks balls

I came home from work sick today.  I have a monster living on the outside of my uterus and it attacks once a month.  The only way I survive is vicodin washed down with vodka  water (kidding, Hubby...I'd never do that).  So even though I was coming home I thought I'd get some work done.  I have this monstrous pile of paper in my office that I try to ignore.  Sometimes it jumps on my back and attacks me but I always manage to beat it back down.  I hate filing.  I pretty much refuse to do but since I don't have someone to do it for me the pile of paper just keeps growing.  I thought I'd just throw all this paper into a box and organize it real quick and then throw it into the filing cabinet when I get back to work.  However, I horribly misjudged the amount of filing I had let slide.  I have been working on organizing the paperwork for over three hours now and I'm still only half done.  I have stacks of paper covering my bed and all over my bedroom floor.  Now instead of finishing the mess up so its done I've wandered off to check my email and my twitter and somehow Sims 3 started up on my laptop.   I keep looking at the pile and looking away in horror.  I feel so bad I don't want to do it but if I felt good I wouldn't want to do it either.  I wonder if anyone would notice if I just burnt it?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Murderous sports bra

Today is off to a craptacular start.  I gave Hubby night time cold medicine at 4 in the morning so he is out cold.  He used all the coffee and didn't buy more so now I'm in the middle of huge caffeine withdrawals (must have coffee!...brains!!!).  Because I drugged him he can't go buy me more coffee and I sure as heck not going out (poor planning on my part). I'm nauseous and my body hurts all over from this bug I have that just won't die.  Then to top it all off I'm looking  for clothes to get dressed and the only bra I can find that is not an underwire torture device made to push my boobs up under my chin is the bra that tried to kill me.  Granted it had reason...I'd been walking around calling it the worst sports bra ever...and it is.  Every time I bend over my boobs fall out.  It's not that it's the wrong size because I've had my boobs measured by the boob experts at Victoria's Secret and since all they do is measure boobs all day I'm sure they got the size right.  I think the problem is I bought the bra at Target's poorer redneck cousin (which I won't name because I don't want their thugs coming after me....I live in a constant state of fear).  Well you get what you pay for and I definitely did.  So one day Hubby and I were watching House and on this episode this woman dies because her bra hook scratched her back.  Well apparently this gave the worst sports bra ever ideas.  A couple of days later I felt a pain on my back and I had Hubby take a look and I had not one but two holes dug in my back from the bra hook.  Of course, I panicked and started writing my eulogy.  Hubby cleaned the wounds and they healed fine but it was close call.  I never would have even known such an injury could kill me if it wasn't for House.  TV is such a great teacher.

I know you're wondering why I still have the murderous sports bra.  I just hate to get rid of anything and its really comfortable as long as I don't bend in the middle.
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Saturday, April 3, 2010

Men are easy and I may possibly be evil

I woke up late for work this morning. I guess my alarm didn't go off. I was dreaming about trying to get ready for a beauty contest and I was running out of time. I could not get my hair fixed and my makeup on (obviously my subconscious way of telling me I was oversleeping and was not going to have time to get ready for work)When I realized there was a talent portion of the contest I panicked because I am completely talentless and then I woke upOf course, I panicked again when I saw the time because I was already 40 minutes late for work so I rushed around and dashed out the doorBecause I didn't have time to do my makeup correctly, I just have on heavy dark eye makeup so work is getting goth me today (I'm also dressed in black...goth me)As I got behind the long low line of cars on the drive to work my mind began to wander back in time....

*Picture Wayne and Garth doing the wavy thing with their hands going doodley do doodley do*

Many years ago I went to work in a small office (in a large manufacturing facility) where I was the only femaleI beat out several other more experienced people for the job (I didn't have any job experience for the position but I was wicked good on a computer). I was very shy and very few people in the company were aware of who I wasThis started the company rumor mill going that I must have done a little "something something" for the guys in the office to get the job over everyone elseI didn't find this out until much later because as I said I was very shyI also didn't know that the guys in the office kept feeding this rumor mill by being super protective of meNo one was allowed to say a bad word about me in their hearing and if anyone upset me... look out.

As I slowly got to know these guys I became one of the boys and they got more and more risqué in their comments around me when they realized I wasn't going to scream sexual harassmentEventually the risqué comments were directed to meI just played along thinking of myself as "one of the boys"I didn't realize they were flirting with me or that I was flirting backI thought I was a horrible troll beast and no one would ever be interested in me that wayI'd completely missed the memo where my big eyes and smile, my large breasts and small waist would be considered attractive to some menI was in a horrible, abusive relationship at the time and he told me constantly I was hideous and I believed itBesides, these guys were all married and they all knew I was in a relationship with a lunatic (my boyfriend at the time had no problem having fits in public places), so I thought the talk was just the normal joking aroundI guess maybe I should have got a clue when one of the guys told me he had an open marriage or when another one tried to get me to go behind the building to give him a kiss for his birthday but I was completely oblivious.

When did it finally occur to me that these guys were serious when they suggested we get a room? One of the men in the department had taken a job in another part of the company and we were having his farewell lunch from our departmentWe all crowded into a mini-van and he climbed in so he could sit next to meHe asked me to scooch over a bit and when I rose up he slid his hand under me so when I sat back down his hand was under my assI started to jump back up but her smiled and shook his head no so I rode to the restaurant with him fondling my ass, trying to act like nothing was going onTo say that confused the hell out of me was an understatement, but it was his last day with our department and I did not see him much after that—until he took a position with another companyHe was doing his rounds, saying his goodbyes and he caught me aloneThen he proceeded to tell me how he was in love with me and how he would have left his wife for me and he was completely seriousI wish I could say I thought up some come back that would have diffused such a weird situation but I mostly just sat there with my mouth hanging open looking like an idiot. For a minute I thought he was speaking some weird foreign languagethat this attractive, well-educated, well-traveled older man was telling me he would leave his beautiful, well-educated wife for the queen of the trolls just did not computeWhile I was standing there with my chin on the floor, he said his goodbyes, gave me a hug and left.

Eventually I was promoted and went to go work in another departmentOn my last day with the remaining guys one of them took me aside and told me he wanted to send me roses but if he did everyone would know that he loved meI was thinking like a friend and I joked back "Well, I love you too." He grabbed my arm looked right into my eyes and said "No, I love you."  Talk about awkward... I kind of laughed it off and ran away.

On the drive this morning I was thinking about this and why it happenedI have determined that men are easy and I have the gift of inadvertent hypnotismWhile age and life experience have proved to me that I wasn't a complete troll I can think of no reason why these men would have behaved this way... unless I TAMPERED WITH THEIR MINDS!!!  Now I wouldn't have been confident enough at that time to do it purposely so it had to have been subconsciously. My secret mind powers reached into their head and warped their brains and made them see an average looking, sometimes funny, rather smart girl as an awesome catchBecause they spent so many hours in a day with me, they had no hope but to succumb to my evil powersAs I have grown older I have gained more control over these powers but I've noticed they've grown in strength as wellI CAN EVEN MAKE THEM WORK OVER THE INTERNET!  I see you shaking your head in disbelief but its trueAsk my hubbyThough he'll try to tell you that he loves me because I'm beautiful and smart and funny and whatever but what really happened was this: I saw him in a chat room and started stalking himHe wanted nothing to do with me so I USED MY EVIL POWER OF HYPNOSISHe fell quickly after thatIt took just one weekend visit with me to give up everything in New York City and move to BFE with meI snared other men before him but he's the only one I wanted to keep.

I've been trying not to use my evil powers lately but I've developed quite the blog crush on Jenny, Shannon, Tanis, and AllieI will not exert my evil mind control... I will not.... Whew this is hard....

Thursday, April 1, 2010

And then there was light

On this day in 1979 a light came into the world.  A beacon in the darkness.  A ray of hope for one who had none.  I didn't even realize it at the time because I was 11 years old and in sixth grade.  I didn't realize that in another country the other half of me was being born.  That at that moment the other half of my soul finally made it into the world.  It seems like we had to wait forever to actually be together but I thank everything that it finally happened.  Happy Birthday, my wonderful, handsome, smart, funny, perfect husband.  I love you.

This is what naturally curly hair looks like first thing in the morning...lmao