Friday, October 15, 2010

Dying inside

I'm waiting for the doctor to call and tell me when I will have my hysterectomy.  My health has been bad for a while but I still hoped.  We already had it all planned.  The baby was a girl...we called her curly redheaded edwina when we talked about her...because red hair is predominant in my family and curly hair is in his and he's way smarter than me so she'd have that.  But now that will never happen and I'm dying.  In less than two weeks she no longer exists.  I feel like I'm being ripped apart from the inside.  I need help but I have no friends and my family doesn't understand.  I am alone.  My husband hurts more than I do...and I don't know how to make him feel better.  Does anyone know?  How do you get over mourning someone that never existed?  I pictured her whole life and now she will never be.  I have a child a girl...while I was pregnant her father beat me and the whole time she was small I was in a state of panic because he kept telling me he was going to steal her and tell her I was dead.  I finally met a good man and we tried for a baby...we are still trying but now it won't ever happen.  I had dreams about what it would be like to be pregnant without someone hurting you....with someone nurturing me.  Someone who was happy for the baby and not looking for it as a way to enslave a person. I don't like going into surgery feeling this way.  I feel dead already.