Friday, October 15, 2010

Dying inside

I'm waiting for the doctor to call and tell me when I will have my hysterectomy.  My health has been bad for a while but I still hoped.  We already had it all planned.  The baby was a girl...we called her curly redheaded edwina when we talked about her...because red hair is predominant in my family and curly hair is in his and he's way smarter than me so she'd have that.  But now that will never happen and I'm dying.  In less than two weeks she no longer exists.  I feel like I'm being ripped apart from the inside.  I need help but I have no friends and my family doesn't understand.  I am alone.  My husband hurts more than I do...and I don't know how to make him feel better.  Does anyone know?  How do you get over mourning someone that never existed?  I pictured her whole life and now she will never be.  I have a child a girl...while I was pregnant her father beat me and the whole time she was small I was in a state of panic because he kept telling me he was going to steal her and tell her I was dead.  I finally met a good man and we tried for a baby...we are still trying but now it won't ever happen.  I had dreams about what it would be like to be pregnant without someone hurting you....with someone nurturing me.  Someone who was happy for the baby and not looking for it as a way to enslave a person. I don't like going into surgery feeling this way.  I feel dead already.

5 comments:

  1. Oh, dear. I feel frantic for you. Can they take out eggs first? Surrogacy? It seems like there must be a way out of this. But I know sometimes there isn't. Crap.

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  2. I'm so sorry. I don't know the back story of this but wish you peace and resolution.

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  4. I can't tell you it's all ok, i can't tell you that your dreams will come true! I can't say anything to make you feel better, but I can tell you, God is with you, even when you feel so alone. There is a plan for you and a reason you had to go through this, and you are not alone! He will hold you and walk you through this and give you the strength that you need to be a functioning mother for your little girl. She is with you give her courage and hope and all of the love you want her to have in this world, try mommy. Praying for a healthy recovery. Mind, body & soul! I'm moving back to Greenfield this summer. So now you can't say you don't have any friends! Bring you out to the farm for some country fun!!!! Hang in there!

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  5. You don't know me. I follow you on twitter. I have stood exactly where you are. I know you pain. I also know the horrible loneliness that comes with this sort of loss. There aren't sociial norms for what people say to a woman who is losing a baby. People say awful things about God's will. Ignore it. I got through it by imagining that the people who loved me were actually saying what I needed to here. I would close my eyes and pretend they were saying "I'm sorry this terrible thing happend. I will be here for you to talk when you need to talk. Take time to greive this loss. It is real." People don't say that, but they should. And I'm saying it to you. I've been there two different times and I now have 2 beautiful adopted boys. But that doesn't mean that I don't cry during a routine pelvic. Not because it hurts physcially, but because it feels like being prepped for that damn D& C. Peace be with you.

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