The greatest woman I know

Today is my mom's birthday.  She married right out of high school to her high school sweetheart of course.  She is incredibly smart and she wanted to be a teacher but she never went to college.  She had me a year after they got married and my sister C a year after that and my sister R three years after that.  She never worked outside the home except for a period of six months when she worked in a nursing home while my dad was laid off.  I'm not going to say she never worked because raising our family was hard work.  I didn't realize it then but I sure know it now.  She was wildly imaginative and we grew up with stories and fun play and Monty Python (thank you so much for my love of British tv) and singing crazy songs.  Even though we didn't have much money we had a happy childhood.  I know she had to push herself to give us this because the women in our family suffer from a genetic depressive disorder (which we only figured out when I was hospitalized for losing it) so she worked her ass off to make us happy when she was feeling miserable.   She is the most amazing woman.  She is the ultimate Nana to her grandchildren and great grandchildren and they love her like crazy.  She is supportive and caring and loving even if she doesn't agree with whatever is going on.   I am so honored to know her and to call her Mom.  I love you so much Mom.  Thank you for everything.  Happy Birthday!

And for my next trick I shall make a baby appear in this box...TA DAH!

Random not so epic fails because I might possibly be a dumbass

My day so far:

Stupid alarm went off at 3:30 because of instead of just putting my ipod on it to charge I turned the alarm on...on my one day to sleep late (dumbass fail).  Turned off Lily Allen singing "Fuck you" and went back to sleep (alarm fail).
Woke up at 5 with uber headache because I had the electric heater turned up too high (dumbass fail again), took excedrin crawled back into bed and downloaded apps on my ipod touch.
 Got up at 6 and peed on stick...not pregnant (stupid pregnancy test fail).
Crawled back in bed and read twitter on blackberry.
Got up and took shower.
Mistook face cleanser for conditioner (shower fail)
Tried on new pilates outfit (looked good) felt urge to workout...wrestled that urge to the ground and choked the shit out of it.
Got on new laptop and read blogs.  Which is where I am now minus the low blood sugar attack that had me in bed for another 45 minutes.
Today our plans are...replace old computer desk with new one (finally).  Go to Trader Joe's for first time (I'm way too excited about going to a grocery store) and go see Alice in Wonderland.  We can't go anywhere however until the gas man comes.  We ran out of gas last night (again...dumbass fail because we never remember to check the gas) so we had to heat the house with little electric heaters.  So the house is a little cold right now...not freezing but a tad uncomfortable.  If he doesn't show up until later we won't get to do anything but the desk part.  My new oven arrives tomorrow which I'm totally excited about because the one we have now is a piece of crap.  Of course it's a gas oven so until the gas man comes it will just be a large, shiny paperweight.

Update:
Gas man didn't come so no Trader Joe's or Alice or dinner out.  Stupid, stupid gas man...stupid, stupid us for heating with gas...

I did not know that Lily Allen and Courtney Love were feuding (color me clueless and not really caring but in case you do the link is below).

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What the heck?

Pretend judgmental people suck

I met my Hubby on the internet.  In a chatroom....I know.

"Shock!  Dismay!  How could you do that?  What if he were a serial killer?  How could he do that?  What if you were a serial killer? (and that totally could have happened..I've walked the line a time or two)"

People I meet in r/t try not to act all dismayed but I know they're thinking I'm a nut.  I can see it in their faces.  If I told them I picked him up in a bar they wouldn't think twice about it but the internet (is for porn) is bad.  How can I explain that the hours upon hours we spent chatting online before we even heard each other's voice on the phone, and the hours upon hours spent on the phone before we even saw each other in person let us know more of each other than people who have dated face to face for years?

"But he could pretend to be something he's not."

What do you think someone you meet in a bar is doing, pretend judgmental person?  We all try to put our best face forward (to fool) impress someone we meet.  However, when it's 3:00 in the morning and you're been chatting all night and you've done that for weeks straight not to mention emails composed during the day while you're supposed to be working (not that I'd ever do that) you get to know a person fairly well.  When was the last time you spent 6 hours a night every night with someone you just met in r/t?

"Well it's just not the same when you can't see their face."

I'm getting really tired of you pretend, judgmental person.  That's what webcams are for (not that Hubby and I used a webcam.  We just exchanged pictures. Back in the olden days webcams weren't so commonly used.). I fell in love with the man who was my husband before I ever saw what he looked like.  I was lurking in the chat room (because that's how I am...hiding in the bushes, peeking in the windows kind of girl) and I saw this person putting up these amazing well-written, well thought out comments.  He made everyone else in the chat room look like idiots.  I am a push over for intelligent, creative men and so I fell and fell hard.  I went into the chat room every night watching him and getting more and more smitten.  Finallly, I worked up the nerve to day something to him and he totally shot me down.  As in "Don't talk to me.  I'm too good for you," kind of way.  Did that stop me?  Oh no.

"How pathetic are you?"

Listen here, pretend judgmental person, I've about had enough of your crap.  Any way to make a long story short (too late), I saw him in another chat room using another name but his writing style was so distinctive that I knew right away it was him.  So I tried again and this time he chatted with me.  We clicked and fell in love just like I knew we would.  A lot of people in my life didn't get it because they didn't spend a lot of time online.


But if you're reading this, I think you get it.  You understand how you can connect with someone you've never met face to face and perhaps never will.  I have six people in this world that I completely trust (besides relatives).  Three of them I met online and three I met in real life.  Four of those six I've had intimate knowledge of (how's that for being discrete..lol) and/or crushed on (mad props to Hubby, Batman, Tattooed-wonder and Guitarman) for still talking to me after seeing me at my worst).  Of the other two I talk to one regularly (Reddove) and the other I hardly ever talk to but I love with all my heart (hey Nessa, miss you).

I started blogging for lots of reasons.  I needed to write more because it is my bliss but I'm a lazy ass and I'd rather read than put forth any effort.  I wanted some kind of chronicle of my life, in case something happened to me (morbid much?)  I was also lonely.  I wanted to meet people who shared my interests.  I wanted to meet people who would get it when I quoted Monty Python or Rocky Horror.  I wanted to meet people who shared my love of Living Dead Dolls and zombies and Buffy and Shakespeare and all things Neil Gaiman and Clive Barker (except for Hellraiser...that scared me).  I wanted to meet people who understand why I spend hours reading blogs and when I find a blogger I like why I spend hours reading their archives (currently I'm hanging out at Her Bad Mother's archives).  I wanted to meet people who understand why Mr. Lady and Redneck Mommy and The Bloggess rock (Shannon, Tanis, Jenny...I am sporting such the girl-crush.  I <3 you all.).  I haven't met these people who will "get me" yet but I will.  Eventually I will be able to add more people to the list of six I currently have and those people totally won't judge me because I'm 11 years older than my husband.

"You're what?  Are you a cradle robber?"

That's it, pretend judgmental person.  You're out of here.

Hairy, hairy bo berry

Since I've been married I've been a sporadic leg shaver (and other things as well).  I figured he's already married me he can deal with my sasquatch legs and pits (and other things).  He signed the contract and now he's caught.  However, I try to always shave my legs before I start my period.  I am very anemic and due to a problem with a giant fibroid growing on my uterus (which has been the bane of our trying to conceive...damn you fibroid, damn you) I bleed like a stuck pig hemorrhaging to death.  So sometimes I pass out.  If you pass out twice in a row your darling husband and loving daughter might panic and call an ambulance.  The concerned paramedics might make you go to the hospital where the hard-working nurses might decide they need a urine sample.  But oh you are on your period so we'll have to get the sample with a catheter.  So unveil your hairy legs (and other things) for everyone walking by in the emergency room.  I know I could hear the nurses snickering.  So now I am proactive and shave when I know I'm going to start.  My poor husband gets to see my legs unhairy once a month...just at a time when he can't enjoy it.  Oh well,  he'll just have to put up with the stubble burn.

Elephant man in a dress

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a cute dress if your legs and arms are slightly scary?  It is very, very hard.  I had gastric bypass surgery and it was an amazing success.  When fully covered by clothes I look pretty good for my age but its when my upper arms, thighs, knees and stomach is revealed that it gets nasty (and not in a good way).  Because I was older when I had the surgery my skin was lacking the elasticity to pull back in when my weight went down and so now, now I look like the elephant man under my clothes.  The skin on my upper arms are full fledged wings.  I could leap out of trees with flying squirrels and keep up.  My stomach...well lets just say I could hide a small child in the skin I roll up and tuck into my clothes there.  My thighs and knees...well my thighs look like the ocean during a storm, rough and wavy.  My knees catch all the extra skin that gravity is pulling down so they are...well for some reason Jabba the Huts face comes to mind.  Most cute dresses have little sleeves and come above the knee which is a no-no for me, unless I want to cause a screaming, horrified stampede.  I want to start going grown-up places and doing grown-up things (about time since I'm in my forties) and I need the wardrobe to do it.  It's just going to be a little harder putting it together than I thought.  Oh, and did I tell you...SNOW DAY!  Woo hoo!