Men are easy and I may possibly be evil

I woke up late for work this morning. I guess my alarm didn't go off. I was dreaming about trying to get ready for a beauty contest and I was running out of time. I could not get my hair fixed and my makeup on (obviously my subconscious way of telling me I was oversleeping and was not going to have time to get ready for work). When I realized there was a talent portion of the contest I panicked because I am completely talentless and then I woke up. Of course, I panicked again when I saw the time because I was already 40 minutes late for work so I rushed around and dashed out the door. Because I didn't have time to do my makeup correctly, I just have on heavy dark eye makeup so work is getting goth me today (I'm also dressed in black...goth me). As I got behind the long low line of cars on the drive to work my mind began to wander back in time....

*Picture Wayne and Garth doing the wavy thing with their hands going doodley do doodley do*

Many years ago I went to work in a small office (in a large manufacturing facility) where I was the only female. I beat out several other more experienced people for the job (I didn't have any job experience for the position but I was wicked good on a computer). I was very shy and very few people in the company were aware of who I was. This started the company rumor mill going that I must have done a little "something something" for the guys in the office to get the job over everyone else. I didn't find this out until much later because as I said I was very shy. I also didn't know that the guys in the office kept feeding this rumor mill by being super protective of me. No one was allowed to say a bad word about me in their hearing and if anyone upset me... look out.

As I slowly got to know these guys I became one of the boys and they got more and more risqué in their comments around me when they realized I wasn't going to scream sexual harassment. Eventually the risqué comments were directed to me. I just played along thinking of myself as "one of the boys". I didn't realize they were flirting with me or that I was flirting back. I thought I was a horrible troll beast and no one would ever be interested in me that way. I'd completely missed the memo where my big eyes and smile, my large breasts and small waist would be considered attractive to some men. I was in a horrible, abusive relationship at the time and he told me constantly I was hideous and I believed it. Besides, these guys were all married and they all knew I was in a relationship with a lunatic (my boyfriend at the time had no problem having fits in public places), so I thought the talk was just the normal joking around. I guess maybe I should have got a clue when one of the guys told me he had an open marriage or when another one tried to get me to go behind the building to give him a kiss for his birthday but I was completely oblivious.

When did it finally occur to me that these guys were serious when they suggested we get a room? One of the men in the department had taken a job in another part of the company and we were having his farewell lunch from our department. We all crowded into a mini-van and he climbed in so he could sit next to me. He asked me to scooch over a bit and when I rose up he slid his hand under me so when I sat back down his hand was under my ass. I started to jump back up but her smiled and shook his head no so I rode to the restaurant with him fondling my ass, trying to act like nothing was going on. To say that confused the hell out of me was an understatement, but it was his last day with our department and I did not see him much after that—until he took a position with another company. He was doing his rounds, saying his goodbyes and he caught me alone. Then he proceeded to tell me how he was in love with me and how he would have left his wife for me and he was completely serious. I wish I could say I thought up some come back that would have diffused such a weird situation but I mostly just sat there with my mouth hanging open looking like an idiot. For a minute I thought he was speaking some weird foreign language: that this attractive, well-educated, well-traveled older man was telling me he would leave his beautiful, well-educated wife for the queen of the trolls just did not compute. While I was standing there with my chin on the floor, he said his goodbyes, gave me a hug and left.

Eventually I was promoted and went to go work in another department. On my last day with the remaining guys one of them took me aside and told me he wanted to send me roses but if he did everyone would know that he loved me. I was thinking like a friend and I joked back "Well, I love you too." He grabbed my arm looked right into my eyes and said "No, I love you."  Talk about awkward... I kind of laughed it off and ran away.

On the drive this morning I was thinking about this and why it happened. I have determined that men are easy and I have the gift of inadvertent hypnotism. While age and life experience have proved to me that I wasn't a complete troll I can think of no reason why these men would have behaved this way... unless I TAMPERED WITH THEIR MINDS!!!  Now I wouldn't have been confident enough at that time to do it purposely so it had to have been subconsciously. My secret mind powers reached into their head and warped their brains and made them see an average looking, sometimes funny, rather smart girl as an awesome catch. Because they spent so many hours in a day with me, they had no hope but to succumb to my evil powers. As I have grown older I have gained more control over these powers but I've noticed they've grown in strength as well. I CAN EVEN MAKE THEM WORK OVER THE INTERNET!  I see you shaking your head in disbelief but it’s true. Ask my hubby. Though he'll try to tell you that he loves me because I'm beautiful and smart and funny and whatever but what really happened was this: I saw him in a chat room and started stalking him. He wanted nothing to do with me so I USED MY EVIL POWER OF HYPNOSIS. He fell quickly after that. It took just one weekend visit with me to give up everything in New York City and move to BFE with me. I snared other men before him but he's the only one I wanted to keep.

I've been trying not to use my evil powers lately but I've developed quite the blog crush on Jenny, Shannon, Tanis, and Allie. I will not exert my evil mind control... I will not.... Whew this is hard....

And then there was light

On this day in 1979 a light came into the world.  A beacon in the darkness.  A ray of hope for one who had none.  I didn't even realize it at the time because I was 11 years old and in sixth grade.  I didn't realize that in another country the other half of me was being born.  That at that moment the other half of my soul finally made it into the world.  It seems like we had to wait forever to actually be together but I thank everything that it finally happened.  Happy Birthday, my wonderful, handsome, smart, funny, perfect husband.  I love you.

This is what naturally curly hair looks like first thing in the morning...lmao

Pretend judgmental people suck

I met my Hubby on the internet.  In a chatroom....I know.

"Shock!  Dismay!  How could you do that?  What if he were a serial killer?  How could he do that?  What if you were a serial killer? (and that totally could have happened..I've walked the line a time or two)"

People I meet in r/t try not to act all dismayed but I know they're thinking I'm a nut.  I can see it in their faces.  If I told them I picked him up in a bar they wouldn't think twice about it but the internet (is for porn) is bad.  How can I explain that the hours upon hours we spent chatting online before we even heard each other's voice on the phone, and the hours upon hours spent on the phone before we even saw each other in person let us know more of each other than people who have dated face to face for years?

"But he could pretend to be something he's not."

What do you think someone you meet in a bar is doing, pretend judgmental person?  We all try to put our best face forward (to fool) impress someone we meet.  However, when it's 3:00 in the morning and you're been chatting all night and you've done that for weeks straight not to mention emails composed during the day while you're supposed to be working (not that I'd ever do that) you get to know a person fairly well.  When was the last time you spent 6 hours a night every night with someone you just met in r/t?

"Well it's just not the same when you can't see their face."

I'm getting really tired of you pretend, judgmental person.  That's what webcams are for (not that Hubby and I used a webcam.  We just exchanged pictures. Back in the olden days webcams weren't so commonly used.). I fell in love with the man who was my husband before I ever saw what he looked like.  I was lurking in the chat room (because that's how I am...hiding in the bushes, peeking in the windows kind of girl) and I saw this person putting up these amazing well-written, well thought out comments.  He made everyone else in the chat room look like idiots.  I am a push over for intelligent, creative men and so I fell and fell hard.  I went into the chat room every night watching him and getting more and more smitten.  Finallly, I worked up the nerve to day something to him and he totally shot me down.  As in "Don't talk to me.  I'm too good for you," kind of way.  Did that stop me?  Oh no.

"How pathetic are you?"

Listen here, pretend judgmental person, I've about had enough of your crap.  Any way to make a long story short (too late), I saw him in another chat room using another name but his writing style was so distinctive that I knew right away it was him.  So I tried again and this time he chatted with me.  We clicked and fell in love just like I knew we would.  A lot of people in my life didn't get it because they didn't spend a lot of time online.


But if you're reading this, I think you get it.  You understand how you can connect with someone you've never met face to face and perhaps never will.  I have six people in this world that I completely trust (besides relatives).  Three of them I met online and three I met in real life.  Four of those six I've had intimate knowledge of (how's that for being discrete..lol) and/or crushed on (mad props to Hubby, Batman, Tattooed-wonder and Guitarman) for still talking to me after seeing me at my worst).  Of the other two I talk to one regularly (Reddove) and the other I hardly ever talk to but I love with all my heart (hey Nessa, miss you).

I started blogging for lots of reasons.  I needed to write more because it is my bliss but I'm a lazy ass and I'd rather read than put forth any effort.  I wanted some kind of chronicle of my life, in case something happened to me (morbid much?)  I was also lonely.  I wanted to meet people who shared my interests.  I wanted to meet people who would get it when I quoted Monty Python or Rocky Horror.  I wanted to meet people who shared my love of Living Dead Dolls and zombies and Buffy and Shakespeare and all things Neil Gaiman and Clive Barker (except for Hellraiser...that scared me).  I wanted to meet people who understand why I spend hours reading blogs and when I find a blogger I like why I spend hours reading their archives (currently I'm hanging out at Her Bad Mother's archives).  I wanted to meet people who understand why Mr. Lady and Redneck Mommy and The Bloggess rock (Shannon, Tanis, Jenny...I am sporting such the girl-crush.  I <3 you all.).  I haven't met these people who will "get me" yet but I will.  Eventually I will be able to add more people to the list of six I currently have and those people totally won't judge me because I'm 11 years older than my husband.

"You're what?  Are you a cradle robber?"

That's it, pretend judgmental person.  You're out of here.

No country for bad internet

Hubby may be having a breakdown.  As I am an expert in the subject having had many of my own, I think I see the signs.  The loss of interest in things he used to enjoy, sleeping in the middle of the day, random fits of apathy, running naked outside tearing at his hair with his penis flopping in the wind, chopping up the neighbors and stuffing their pieces down the pipe to our septic system while giggling manically.  All the signs are there.  I'm really worried about the loss of interest in things he used to enjoy.  He used to be a World of Warcraft maniac but I made him move to the boonies and now our internet is spotty at best.  It's all my fault and I am a horrible wife...when he starts looking at me and then the septic pipe I have to get clever and distract him with sugar-free low carb cookies or turkey enchilada soup or the occasional blow job.  That usually buys me some time.  Then he got sucked into twitter land but he's a political junkie and the democrats have him so frustrated now he's pulling out his hair in big chunks.  He's getting a camera for his birthday (not a surprise, he knows it...he doesn't like surprises cause he's a nutter) so in a couple of months I'm hoping photography becomes his thing so he can ignore the fast downward slide of the country and forget about World of Warcraft. 

P.S. I'm also worried about the way he disposes of bodies...I know I taught him better than that.
P.P.S.  Some of the above was an exaggeration or could be out right lie.  He would never tear at his hair...he is very vain about it.
P.P.P.S. I haven't really had that many breakdowns...that's why I'm heavily medicated to keep that from happening.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye

You know it's true love when you haven't shaved your legs in like a month and your hubby doesn't care. Not that I would do that. I'm just sayin'....