Yes, I suck...

I have not blogged in a while and this is bad because at the beginning of the year I had planned to blog every day.  Big major fail on that one.  I am giving myself a pass on that though because I’m bat shit crazy.  Okay, I’m not quite that crazy…I can still kind of function out in public.  I have a job and everything and I can sometimes go to the grocery store.  Sometimes I can…but sometimes when I get there my heart starts to pound and I can’t breathe and this screaming starts in my head and then I have to leave.  Being around people is hard for me.  Fortunately at work I’m in a block of offices with only one other person and my office is the last one on a dead end hallway so I don’t have to see other people much.  Yay for me!  I have been going to therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to try to get my meds right.  We  thought we found something that would work but now my insurance won’t pay for it (and I can’t afford $500 a month for meds) so back to the drawing board.  That’s okay though…I know we’ll find something that will work and I will be what passes for normal for me again.  Normal being sci-fi, zombie, vampire (but not sparkly vampires…yuck), gaming, comic, loving and completely different from everyone in the area I live.  Do you know no one except my family around here has a zombie apocalypse emergency plan?  Really what kind of people are these?  They also listen to country music…which is just plain wrong.  My husband wants to move back to NYC.  He believes there we will find people more like us.  I, however, think we just need to go back to our home planet

My first blogging award (could be like a chain letter but I don't care)

I got an award on June 5.  Yes, I know I'm slow.  I've not been blogging lately and so I suck but maybe not so bad...you know, award and all.  So here are the rules :

1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Share ten things about yourself
3. Pass the award along to 10 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic!
4. Contact the bloggers and let them know you've picked them for the award.

Thank you so much Daffodil Campbell for my very first blogger award.  You rock.  Seriously, you do.  I think I might love you.  Too much?

Ten things about myself..hmmmm....

1)  I hate all things Twilight with a passion.  I want to take those sparkly vampires and that stupid girl and run splintery stakes up their butts.

2)  I love most all other vampire stuff though...Anita Blake, Sookie Stackhouse, Buffy, Betsey Queen of the Undead, etc.

3) I want to LARP with all of my being, which is something that makes me the brunt of many jokes in my family.  I would like to be a mystic wood elf.

4) I greatly fear the zombie apocalypse and every now and then will find myself on survivalist web sites planning how we would fortify ourselves and survive.

5) I don't make friends easily.

6) I cried when Buffy, Stargate SG-1  and Star Trek the Next Generation went off the air.

7) My dream anniversary present is spending the weekend at the Renaissance Faire.

8) I have been writing a Stargate / Buffy crossover for three years now and I'm still not done.

9) We sometimes take in homeless people to live with us.

10) I have a vase full of dead flowers on my desk because I think they look cool.

Who shall I give this to?  I'm going hunting for new bloggers this weekend and I'll update this with their names.

My very first award given goes to:
roxanesdays

#2 chillmamachill

I think I'm still in a bit of shock so I'm sorry if this is incoherent

I was around 14 years old walking through my house singing Karma Chameleon.  Our TV had been left on a concert movie called Black and Blue.  I had never heard of the bands involved and was not interested because let's face it...it was not Culture Club.  But then I wandered through the living room and a man's voice literally brought me to my knees.  As I knelt in front of the TV with my mouth hanging open my world was changed.  I quickly became obsessed with the small man with the huge voice.  I saved every cent of my allowance and bought Black Sabbath albums.  Then when I found out he had formed his own band, Dio albums joined the collection and then Rainbow and then I was mail ordering Elf albums from England.  I collected every article I could find and papered the walls of my room in posters and pictures ripped from magazines of him.  Through him I found a love of heavy metal that exists to this day.  He opened me up to a whole world of music that I would never have come across (I live in an area where country music is way too popular).  Dio was my very first concert and it was the best.  I saw him in concert one other time and I kick myself for all the times I could have gone but missed for some reason or another.  I wish I could thank him for the beauty he brought into my life.  I wish I could see him in concert just one more time.

Godspeed Ronnie James Dio.  You will be missed.

Don't be hating...whatever I do what I want

I’m supposed to be working but I decided a blog post was more the thing.  This is the things I hate episode…

1. Bras that hook in front.  For some reason the last time I bought bras every freaking one I bought fastens in the front even though I knew I hated that.  That’s what I get for bra shopping online with my best friend vodka.  My problem with bras that hook in front is this…whenever I am out in public, with no warning, in the worst possible place that fucker will unhook and set the girls free.  Now I like the feeling of my boobs running free as much as the next woman but they are large and rather floppy.  I’m reminded of that teacher on South Park, Choksondik with her nipples hanging down out of the bottom of her sweater.  Yep, that would be me.
2. People who stand at stop lights and collect money for charity.  I can hear the whole two people who read this booing me now but hear me out.  I hate this because I have to give them money.  They don’t make me and I know I’m welcome to drive on by but I just can’t.  If they feel passionately enough about something to stand in the hot sun or the rain and collect money for it then by god I’m going to give them something (many times the last bit of money I have).  Even if it is for a cause that I care nothing about (Save the super slimy worm that climbs up people’s noses…well maybe I wouldn’t give to that one.  I’d be curled up in a corner somewhere with my hand over my nose shivering in horror that such a thing exists.) I will still give.  I hate to think that someone is suffering somewhere and I didn’t stop.  The part I really hate is when I have no money with me at all and I don’t see them standing there until it’s too late to detour and I have to drive through…then I spend all day feeling like an ass.  I hate that.
3. Reality TV.  I don’t watch American Idol or Dancing with the Stars or The Bachelor or The Biggest Loser or Let’s see how many foreign objects I can fit in my anus (That’s not a show?  Really?  They televise everything else…I’d think that would be a hit.).  My own life has enough drama that I don’t need to tune into other people’s.  Though I will tell you a secret.  We’re all friends here, right?  You won’t tell anyone?  Okay, here it goes…the real reason I don’t watch reality TV is…I’m an addict.  Going back to the America’s Next Top Model debacle of 2008…if I start watching I can’t stop.  It sucks me in and I start to care about these people.  I find myself rearranging my schedule so I can watch it when it’s on.  I watch the extra videos online.  I try to find out what the people are doing after the show is over.  It’s horrible and I felt dirty all the time so I quit cold turkey.  Though every now and then I still feel the urge.
4. Girl Scout cookies.  Actually I love me some girl scout cookies, what I hate is that they are only available once a year.  What’s up with that shit?  Offer perfect sugary goodness and then yank it away.  Every year I tell myself, “hey I’ll buy extra this year and freeze them and then I can have girl scout cookies whenever I want.”  Yeah right…I just end up eating that many more of the damn things in the same amount of time and still no cookies for the rest of the year.  Stupid Girl Scouts.
5. Facebook.  I use Facebook, most of my “friends” are family or people I knew from school.  But with the exception of my family, do I really care how someone I haven’t seen in literally twenty years and I didn’t like that much to begin with is doing?  The only posts I seem to care about are my family stuff and the few bloggers I also follow on Facebook (I loves me the bloggers I follow…they are all wonderful).  So, you ask, why don’t I unfriend those high school people?  That is a good question thanks for asking.  The reason is because as soon as I unfriend someone I will run into them in the grocery store even though it has not happened in the whole twenty years we’ve lived in the same town.  Karma works that way, you know.  Karma is kind of a mean bitch.
6. Getting old.  This is a no brainer, right?  I can’t color my hair the color I want without people going, “You work in an office, you can’t have blue hair.”  I had to take out all the piercings in my left ear (I had eight) because my ear started to cauliflower (stupid cauliflower ear…and no you can’t see it.  Freaks.)  I had to take out my nipple ring because of surgery and now I’m too embarrassed to go get it repierced because I’m a grandmother for god’s sake and I don’t want to be one of those pathetic old people who dress like they’re still sixteen (what do piercings and clothing have to do with each other?  Why absolutely nothing…it’s like you’re being purposely dense).  I also hate the fact that I ache all the time like I did some strenuous exercise when I really haven’t moved in two days.  If I’m going to ache like I’ve been having wild sex then I better have had some wild sex (Hubby…looking at you here). 
7. Daddy long legs.  They are a creepy head with legs.  What kind of thing has legs growing out of its head?  When I was a child and running barefoot around the farm (yes, I grew up on a farm…a pig farm) I stepped on a daddy long legs and it was squashed on the bottom of my foot and I couldn’t get it off and I was traumatized.  No one would help me they just laughed at me. I still have not recovered from the horror.
8. Worms.  Any kind and all kinds of worms are super creepy.  I don’t care how good they are for the soil and that they feed the pretty birdies.  They are slimy and gross.  Yuck, I say, yuck.  This is why on the few occasions I’ve fished I’ve used artificial bait or I don’t fish (I also won’t take a fish off the hook…fish = also slimy).
9. Sad movies.  I cannot stand anything that makes me cry.  Especially sad movies about children.  They make me want to hunt the writers down and beat them to death with a pointy, thorned stick.  *Whack* How dare you even think something like that about beautiful babies *Whack*  Yes, sad movies make me crazy violent.  I still have not recovered from the saddest movie ever “What Dreams May Come”.  If you don’t think that is the saddest movie ever you have a heart of stone and I stab you with my pointy stick.
10. Movies about animals.  This goes back to not liking sad movies (really these should have been together but you know what?  I’m still sleepy and I couldn’t think of ten things so they got separated…deal with it).  I cannot watch a movie where an animal is hurt or dare I say it killed.  I have never seen Bambi.  When my family watched Ol’ Yeller I spent the whole time in the bathroom with my hands over my years going “Lalalalala”.  The only way I will even watch an animal movie at all is if someone else watches it first and lets me know it’s okay.  God help them if they lie to me because they think it’s funny.  I’m on the edge, people.  Expose me to animal trauma at your own peril.

Procrastination sucks balls

I came home from work sick today.  I have a monster living on the outside of my uterus and it attacks once a month.  The only way I survive is vicodin washed down with vodka  water (kidding, Hubby...I'd never do that).  So even though I was coming home I thought I'd get some work done.  I have this monstrous pile of paper in my office that I try to ignore.  Sometimes it jumps on my back and attacks me but I always manage to beat it back down.  I hate filing.  I pretty much refuse to do but since I don't have someone to do it for me the pile of paper just keeps growing.  I thought I'd just throw all this paper into a box and organize it real quick and then throw it into the filing cabinet when I get back to work.  However, I horribly misjudged the amount of filing I had let slide.  I have been working on organizing the paperwork for over three hours now and I'm still only half done.  I have stacks of paper covering my bed and all over my bedroom floor.  Now instead of finishing the mess up so its done I've wandered off to check my email and my twitter and somehow Sims 3 started up on my laptop.   I keep looking at the pile and looking away in horror.  I feel so bad I don't want to do it but if I felt good I wouldn't want to do it either.  I wonder if anyone would notice if I just burnt it?

Murderous sports bra

Today is off to a craptacular start.  I gave Hubby night time cold medicine at 4 in the morning so he is out cold.  He used all the coffee and didn't buy more so now I'm in the middle of huge caffeine withdrawals (must have coffee!...brains!!!).  Because I drugged him he can't go buy me more coffee and I sure as heck not going out (poor planning on my part). I'm nauseous and my body hurts all over from this bug I have that just won't die.  Then to top it all off I'm looking  for clothes to get dressed and the only bra I can find that is not an underwire torture device made to push my boobs up under my chin is the bra that tried to kill me.  Granted it had reason...I'd been walking around calling it the worst sports bra ever...and it is.  Every time I bend over my boobs fall out.  It's not that it's the wrong size because I've had my boobs measured by the boob experts at Victoria's Secret and since all they do is measure boobs all day I'm sure they got the size right.  I think the problem is I bought the bra at Target's poorer redneck cousin (which I won't name because I don't want their thugs coming after me....I live in a constant state of fear).  Well you get what you pay for and I definitely did.  So one day Hubby and I were watching House and on this episode this woman dies because her bra hook scratched her back.  Well apparently this gave the worst sports bra ever ideas.  A couple of days later I felt a pain on my back and I had Hubby take a look and I had not one but two holes dug in my back from the bra hook.  Of course, I panicked and started writing my eulogy.  Hubby cleaned the wounds and they healed fine but it was close call.  I never would have even known such an injury could kill me if it wasn't for House.  TV is such a great teacher.

I know you're wondering why I still have the murderous sports bra.  I just hate to get rid of anything and its really comfortable as long as I don't bend in the middle.

Men are easy and I may possibly be evil

I woke up late for work this morning. I guess my alarm didn't go off. I was dreaming about trying to get ready for a beauty contest and I was running out of time. I could not get my hair fixed and my makeup on (obviously my subconscious way of telling me I was oversleeping and was not going to have time to get ready for work). When I realized there was a talent portion of the contest I panicked because I am completely talentless and then I woke up. Of course, I panicked again when I saw the time because I was already 40 minutes late for work so I rushed around and dashed out the door. Because I didn't have time to do my makeup correctly, I just have on heavy dark eye makeup so work is getting goth me today (I'm also dressed in black...goth me). As I got behind the long low line of cars on the drive to work my mind began to wander back in time....

*Picture Wayne and Garth doing the wavy thing with their hands going doodley do doodley do*

Many years ago I went to work in a small office (in a large manufacturing facility) where I was the only female. I beat out several other more experienced people for the job (I didn't have any job experience for the position but I was wicked good on a computer). I was very shy and very few people in the company were aware of who I was. This started the company rumor mill going that I must have done a little "something something" for the guys in the office to get the job over everyone else. I didn't find this out until much later because as I said I was very shy. I also didn't know that the guys in the office kept feeding this rumor mill by being super protective of me. No one was allowed to say a bad word about me in their hearing and if anyone upset me... look out.

As I slowly got to know these guys I became one of the boys and they got more and more risqué in their comments around me when they realized I wasn't going to scream sexual harassment. Eventually the risqué comments were directed to me. I just played along thinking of myself as "one of the boys". I didn't realize they were flirting with me or that I was flirting back. I thought I was a horrible troll beast and no one would ever be interested in me that way. I'd completely missed the memo where my big eyes and smile, my large breasts and small waist would be considered attractive to some men. I was in a horrible, abusive relationship at the time and he told me constantly I was hideous and I believed it. Besides, these guys were all married and they all knew I was in a relationship with a lunatic (my boyfriend at the time had no problem having fits in public places), so I thought the talk was just the normal joking around. I guess maybe I should have got a clue when one of the guys told me he had an open marriage or when another one tried to get me to go behind the building to give him a kiss for his birthday but I was completely oblivious.

When did it finally occur to me that these guys were serious when they suggested we get a room? One of the men in the department had taken a job in another part of the company and we were having his farewell lunch from our department. We all crowded into a mini-van and he climbed in so he could sit next to me. He asked me to scooch over a bit and when I rose up he slid his hand under me so when I sat back down his hand was under my ass. I started to jump back up but her smiled and shook his head no so I rode to the restaurant with him fondling my ass, trying to act like nothing was going on. To say that confused the hell out of me was an understatement, but it was his last day with our department and I did not see him much after that—until he took a position with another company. He was doing his rounds, saying his goodbyes and he caught me alone. Then he proceeded to tell me how he was in love with me and how he would have left his wife for me and he was completely serious. I wish I could say I thought up some come back that would have diffused such a weird situation but I mostly just sat there with my mouth hanging open looking like an idiot. For a minute I thought he was speaking some weird foreign language: that this attractive, well-educated, well-traveled older man was telling me he would leave his beautiful, well-educated wife for the queen of the trolls just did not compute. While I was standing there with my chin on the floor, he said his goodbyes, gave me a hug and left.

Eventually I was promoted and went to go work in another department. On my last day with the remaining guys one of them took me aside and told me he wanted to send me roses but if he did everyone would know that he loved me. I was thinking like a friend and I joked back "Well, I love you too." He grabbed my arm looked right into my eyes and said "No, I love you."  Talk about awkward... I kind of laughed it off and ran away.

On the drive this morning I was thinking about this and why it happened. I have determined that men are easy and I have the gift of inadvertent hypnotism. While age and life experience have proved to me that I wasn't a complete troll I can think of no reason why these men would have behaved this way... unless I TAMPERED WITH THEIR MINDS!!!  Now I wouldn't have been confident enough at that time to do it purposely so it had to have been subconsciously. My secret mind powers reached into their head and warped their brains and made them see an average looking, sometimes funny, rather smart girl as an awesome catch. Because they spent so many hours in a day with me, they had no hope but to succumb to my evil powers. As I have grown older I have gained more control over these powers but I've noticed they've grown in strength as well. I CAN EVEN MAKE THEM WORK OVER THE INTERNET!  I see you shaking your head in disbelief but it’s true. Ask my hubby. Though he'll try to tell you that he loves me because I'm beautiful and smart and funny and whatever but what really happened was this: I saw him in a chat room and started stalking him. He wanted nothing to do with me so I USED MY EVIL POWER OF HYPNOSIS. He fell quickly after that. It took just one weekend visit with me to give up everything in New York City and move to BFE with me. I snared other men before him but he's the only one I wanted to keep.

I've been trying not to use my evil powers lately but I've developed quite the blog crush on Jenny, Shannon, Tanis, and Allie. I will not exert my evil mind control... I will not.... Whew this is hard....