Murderous sports bra

Today is off to a craptacular start.  I gave Hubby night time cold medicine at 4 in the morning so he is out cold.  He used all the coffee and didn't buy more so now I'm in the middle of huge caffeine withdrawals (must have coffee!...brains!!!).  Because I drugged him he can't go buy me more coffee and I sure as heck not going out (poor planning on my part). I'm nauseous and my body hurts all over from this bug I have that just won't die.  Then to top it all off I'm looking  for clothes to get dressed and the only bra I can find that is not an underwire torture device made to push my boobs up under my chin is the bra that tried to kill me.  Granted it had reason...I'd been walking around calling it the worst sports bra ever...and it is.  Every time I bend over my boobs fall out.  It's not that it's the wrong size because I've had my boobs measured by the boob experts at Victoria's Secret and since all they do is measure boobs all day I'm sure they got the size right.  I think the problem is I bought the bra at Target's poorer redneck cousin (which I won't name because I don't want their thugs coming after me....I live in a constant state of fear).  Well you get what you pay for and I definitely did.  So one day Hubby and I were watching House and on this episode this woman dies because her bra hook scratched her back.  Well apparently this gave the worst sports bra ever ideas.  A couple of days later I felt a pain on my back and I had Hubby take a look and I had not one but two holes dug in my back from the bra hook.  Of course, I panicked and started writing my eulogy.  Hubby cleaned the wounds and they healed fine but it was close call.  I never would have even known such an injury could kill me if it wasn't for House.  TV is such a great teacher.

I know you're wondering why I still have the murderous sports bra.  I just hate to get rid of anything and its really comfortable as long as I don't bend in the middle.

Men are easy and I may possibly be evil

I woke up late for work this morning. I guess my alarm didn't go off. I was dreaming about trying to get ready for a beauty contest and I was running out of time. I could not get my hair fixed and my makeup on (obviously my subconscious way of telling me I was oversleeping and was not going to have time to get ready for work). When I realized there was a talent portion of the contest I panicked because I am completely talentless and then I woke up. Of course, I panicked again when I saw the time because I was already 40 minutes late for work so I rushed around and dashed out the door. Because I didn't have time to do my makeup correctly, I just have on heavy dark eye makeup so work is getting goth me today (I'm also dressed in black...goth me). As I got behind the long low line of cars on the drive to work my mind began to wander back in time....

*Picture Wayne and Garth doing the wavy thing with their hands going doodley do doodley do*

Many years ago I went to work in a small office (in a large manufacturing facility) where I was the only female. I beat out several other more experienced people for the job (I didn't have any job experience for the position but I was wicked good on a computer). I was very shy and very few people in the company were aware of who I was. This started the company rumor mill going that I must have done a little "something something" for the guys in the office to get the job over everyone else. I didn't find this out until much later because as I said I was very shy. I also didn't know that the guys in the office kept feeding this rumor mill by being super protective of me. No one was allowed to say a bad word about me in their hearing and if anyone upset me... look out.

As I slowly got to know these guys I became one of the boys and they got more and more risqué in their comments around me when they realized I wasn't going to scream sexual harassment. Eventually the risqué comments were directed to me. I just played along thinking of myself as "one of the boys". I didn't realize they were flirting with me or that I was flirting back. I thought I was a horrible troll beast and no one would ever be interested in me that way. I'd completely missed the memo where my big eyes and smile, my large breasts and small waist would be considered attractive to some men. I was in a horrible, abusive relationship at the time and he told me constantly I was hideous and I believed it. Besides, these guys were all married and they all knew I was in a relationship with a lunatic (my boyfriend at the time had no problem having fits in public places), so I thought the talk was just the normal joking around. I guess maybe I should have got a clue when one of the guys told me he had an open marriage or when another one tried to get me to go behind the building to give him a kiss for his birthday but I was completely oblivious.

When did it finally occur to me that these guys were serious when they suggested we get a room? One of the men in the department had taken a job in another part of the company and we were having his farewell lunch from our department. We all crowded into a mini-van and he climbed in so he could sit next to me. He asked me to scooch over a bit and when I rose up he slid his hand under me so when I sat back down his hand was under my ass. I started to jump back up but her smiled and shook his head no so I rode to the restaurant with him fondling my ass, trying to act like nothing was going on. To say that confused the hell out of me was an understatement, but it was his last day with our department and I did not see him much after that—until he took a position with another company. He was doing his rounds, saying his goodbyes and he caught me alone. Then he proceeded to tell me how he was in love with me and how he would have left his wife for me and he was completely serious. I wish I could say I thought up some come back that would have diffused such a weird situation but I mostly just sat there with my mouth hanging open looking like an idiot. For a minute I thought he was speaking some weird foreign language: that this attractive, well-educated, well-traveled older man was telling me he would leave his beautiful, well-educated wife for the queen of the trolls just did not compute. While I was standing there with my chin on the floor, he said his goodbyes, gave me a hug and left.

Eventually I was promoted and went to go work in another department. On my last day with the remaining guys one of them took me aside and told me he wanted to send me roses but if he did everyone would know that he loved me. I was thinking like a friend and I joked back "Well, I love you too." He grabbed my arm looked right into my eyes and said "No, I love you."  Talk about awkward... I kind of laughed it off and ran away.

On the drive this morning I was thinking about this and why it happened. I have determined that men are easy and I have the gift of inadvertent hypnotism. While age and life experience have proved to me that I wasn't a complete troll I can think of no reason why these men would have behaved this way... unless I TAMPERED WITH THEIR MINDS!!!  Now I wouldn't have been confident enough at that time to do it purposely so it had to have been subconsciously. My secret mind powers reached into their head and warped their brains and made them see an average looking, sometimes funny, rather smart girl as an awesome catch. Because they spent so many hours in a day with me, they had no hope but to succumb to my evil powers. As I have grown older I have gained more control over these powers but I've noticed they've grown in strength as well. I CAN EVEN MAKE THEM WORK OVER THE INTERNET!  I see you shaking your head in disbelief but it’s true. Ask my hubby. Though he'll try to tell you that he loves me because I'm beautiful and smart and funny and whatever but what really happened was this: I saw him in a chat room and started stalking him. He wanted nothing to do with me so I USED MY EVIL POWER OF HYPNOSIS. He fell quickly after that. It took just one weekend visit with me to give up everything in New York City and move to BFE with me. I snared other men before him but he's the only one I wanted to keep.

I've been trying not to use my evil powers lately but I've developed quite the blog crush on Jenny, Shannon, Tanis, and Allie. I will not exert my evil mind control... I will not.... Whew this is hard....

And then there was light

On this day in 1979 a light came into the world.  A beacon in the darkness.  A ray of hope for one who had none.  I didn't even realize it at the time because I was 11 years old and in sixth grade.  I didn't realize that in another country the other half of me was being born.  That at that moment the other half of my soul finally made it into the world.  It seems like we had to wait forever to actually be together but I thank everything that it finally happened.  Happy Birthday, my wonderful, handsome, smart, funny, perfect husband.  I love you.

This is what naturally curly hair looks like first thing in the morning...lmao

The greatest woman I know

Today is my mom's birthday.  She married right out of high school to her high school sweetheart of course.  She is incredibly smart and she wanted to be a teacher but she never went to college.  She had me a year after they got married and my sister C a year after that and my sister R three years after that.  She never worked outside the home except for a period of six months when she worked in a nursing home while my dad was laid off.  I'm not going to say she never worked because raising our family was hard work.  I didn't realize it then but I sure know it now.  She was wildly imaginative and we grew up with stories and fun play and Monty Python (thank you so much for my love of British tv) and singing crazy songs.  Even though we didn't have much money we had a happy childhood.  I know she had to push herself to give us this because the women in our family suffer from a genetic depressive disorder (which we only figured out when I was hospitalized for losing it) so she worked her ass off to make us happy when she was feeling miserable.   She is the most amazing woman.  She is the ultimate Nana to her grandchildren and great grandchildren and they love her like crazy.  She is supportive and caring and loving even if she doesn't agree with whatever is going on.   I am so honored to know her and to call her Mom.  I love you so much Mom.  Thank you for everything.  Happy Birthday!

And for my next trick I shall make a baby appear in this box...TA DAH!

Random not so epic fails because I might possibly be a dumbass

My day so far:

Stupid alarm went off at 3:30 because of instead of just putting my ipod on it to charge I turned the alarm on...on my one day to sleep late (dumbass fail).  Turned off Lily Allen singing "Fuck you" and went back to sleep (alarm fail).
Woke up at 5 with uber headache because I had the electric heater turned up too high (dumbass fail again), took excedrin crawled back into bed and downloaded apps on my ipod touch.
 Got up at 6 and peed on stick...not pregnant (stupid pregnancy test fail).
Crawled back in bed and read twitter on blackberry.
Got up and took shower.
Mistook face cleanser for conditioner (shower fail)
Tried on new pilates outfit (looked good) felt urge to workout...wrestled that urge to the ground and choked the shit out of it.
Got on new laptop and read blogs.  Which is where I am now minus the low blood sugar attack that had me in bed for another 45 minutes.
Today our plans are...replace old computer desk with new one (finally).  Go to Trader Joe's for first time (I'm way too excited about going to a grocery store) and go see Alice in Wonderland.  We can't go anywhere however until the gas man comes.  We ran out of gas last night (again...dumbass fail because we never remember to check the gas) so we had to heat the house with little electric heaters.  So the house is a little cold right now...not freezing but a tad uncomfortable.  If he doesn't show up until later we won't get to do anything but the desk part.  My new oven arrives tomorrow which I'm totally excited about because the one we have now is a piece of crap.  Of course it's a gas oven so until the gas man comes it will just be a large, shiny paperweight.

Update:
Gas man didn't come so no Trader Joe's or Alice or dinner out.  Stupid, stupid gas man...stupid, stupid us for heating with gas...

I did not know that Lily Allen and Courtney Love were feuding (color me clueless and not really caring but in case you do the link is below).

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What the heck?