FTF (Fighting to Function)

Dying inside

2010-10-15T19:22:00.000-04:00

I'm waiting for the doctor to call and tell me when I will have my hysterectomy. My health has been bad for a while but I still hoped. We already had it all planned. The baby was a girl...we called her curly redheaded edwina when we talked about her...because red hair is predominant in my family and curly hair is in his and he's way smarter than me so she'd have that. But now that will never happen and I'm dying. In less than two weeks she no longer exists. I feel like I'm being ripped apart from the inside. I need help but I have no friends and my family doesn't understand. I am alone. My husband hurts more than I do...and I don't know how to make him feel better. Does anyone know? How do you get over mourning someone that never existed? I pictured her whole life and now she will never be. I have a child a girl...while I was pregnant her father beat me and the whole time she was small I was in a state of panic because he kept telling me he was going to steal her and tell her I was dead. I finally met a good man and we tried for a baby...we are still trying but now it won't ever happen. I had dreams about what it would be like to be pregnant without someone hurting you....with someone nurturing me. Someone who was happy for the baby and not looking for it as a way to enslave a person. I don't like going into surgery feeling this way. I feel dead already.

I love ol' sneaky snake

2010-09-06T08:16:00.000-04:00

My daughter thinks she's sneaky. After 21 years of being caught repeatedly at her "hijinks" she still thinks she's sneaky. You think she'd realize that I'm onto her but for some reason she's not picked up on that yet. First of all she has this lie face. Everytime she's lying she makes this face. I wish I could describe it. It's a don't look at me, I'm up to something kind of face. She doesn't seem to realize she's making it so she thinks I'm a mind reader. Well I am and I know what you are thinking and doing right now and that is so gross and your hand does not belong there. See I am psychic...I knew exactly what you were doing.

I feel like they're crawling all over me...

2010-09-05T08:01:00.002-04:00

I was sitting in my office when I heard what sounded like my colleague tap dancing out in the hall. I ignored it for a while but as it continued I had to get up and see what was going on. She was kicking at a cockroach…the largest cockroach I have ever seen. It was currently on its back flailing around trying to right itself so it could go carry off a small child. The woman I work with was trying to kick it down the hall away from her office. Someone had told her that if you squish a cockroach with your shoe their eggs attach to the bottom of the shoe and then come home with you and your house gets infested with roaches and possibly the plague. (Does anyone know if this is true?) I got grossed out and went back into my office to quietly gag and freak out. When I came back out of my office later the cockroach was gone. We still haven’t recovered the cleaning woman it carried off.

I swear it was at least this big...

Creative murder technique

2010-09-04T08:59:00.000-04:00

I was driving down the road with my husband and daughter one summer day before my daughter graduated from high school. As I often do I sucked spit down into my lungs and started to cough. Apparently after four decades my body still hasn’t figured out that the trachea is for oxygen not liquids. I started coughing very hard.

My husband looked at me for a minute as I struggled to drive and hack up a lung and then told me, “Stop choking, you’re driving.”

My daughter laughed so hard she almost peed herself and I nearly expired as I tried to cough and laugh at the same time.

Way to try to kill me, Edwin.

Happy Birthday to me

2010-08-24T17:48:00.001-04:00

Yes, it is a Disney cake. Don't judge me.

I am not a big birthday person, at least where my birthdays are concerned. Though I must admit that my birthday yesterday was pretty good.

I got to spend it with my beautiful daughter...

Doesn't she look thrilled?

My gorgeous, wonderful grandchildren...

Barney was on, way more interesting than picture taking.

And my soulmate, my handsome husband.

I love this man.

Of course I also got the perfect serenade...

I’ve got nothing but shit.

2010-08-21T18:05:00.000-04:00

I’ve not had much going on lately. I’m in kind of a holding pattern waiting to see if the new meds work or if they make me into a raging psychopath (I’ve been getting a little bitchy lately so I’m starting to worry).
However…

The other day my lovely granddaughter M was running around naked. She’s almost 15 months old but still has the super chubby baby leg rolls and chubby tummy and little chubby baby cheeks and only a little hair so she looks much younger than she is. Basically she’s adorable naked and she loves to have her diaper off so we indulge her before bath time. She was over by my husband and I saw she had something in her hand headed toward her mouth (everything goes in her mouth). I ran over to her saying, “Punkin, what have you got?” I held out my hand. She stopped her hand traveling to her mouth and placed what was in her hand into mine. It was bright playdoh green, lumpy, hard and warm. I looked at it confused unable to grasp what she could have gotten a hold of until it finally dawned on me.
I said out loud, “It’s poop.”

My husband looked at me and goes, “What?”

“It’s poop.” I said again and held me hand out palm up with the piece of poop laying in it like an offering. With my other hand I grabbed M’s hand so she could not put her hand in her mouth.

“Ewww...” was my husband’s contribution.

I started yelling for my daughter because now that I was trying to keep M from putting her hand in her mouth she was determined to do it and was pulling against me as hard as she could.

My daughter comes wandering in from the kitchen. “It’s poop.” And I hold it out again. I guess I was hoping someone would take it from me but no. She gets the baby and I go to get rid of my smelly hand companion.

Z, my other granddaughter, comes running over, “I want to see.” So I stop my bathroom trek and turn around with the poop still balanced on my palm so she can admire her sister’s work.

Finally I get to the bathroom and dump the poop and scrub my hand.

Such is my life. Exciting, isn’t it?

Braaainnnssss

2010-08-18T16:10:00.000-04:00

I’ve not been feeling very funny lately or even slightly, remotely entertaining. My meds got lazy slacker like and quit doing their job so instead of feeling witty and engaging I’ve been feeling kind of zombie-like. Well, what I imagine a zombie would feel like. Having never been one I can only assume. I mean I feel kind of emotionally distant/dead not that I want to eat brains. I think brains would be kind of chewy and possibly hard to swallow, kind of like a raw oyster except less snotty like. Please do not get me started on intestines….I mean its bad enough to eat sausage casing, can you imagine eating it when it hadn’t been thoroughly cleaned first, that would just be ewwww. Another symptom of my meds playing the slacker kid who lives in the basement smoking pot and playing video games is that I can’t focus. But you never would have guessed that right?

So now I have to start this long, complicated process of weaning myself off of one med while starting to take another and I have to take pills at certain times of days for so many days and who does the doctor think I am? I can barely remember the way to work, how I am going to take these pills correctly? You all are going to see me on the news where I chopped someone up and probably ate their intestines because I know I’m going to get my dosage wrong and go mental.

I thought about telling the doctor to just put me in the hospital so they can make sure I am monitored while going through this but then I thought, “No…then everyone will know I’m crazy.” Because, really I’ve been keeping it under wraps to the general public so well. I just really don’t want the people I work with to know I have issues.

But I can let you guys know because I don’t work with you and you won’t tell anyone, right? RIGHT?

Yes, I suck...

2010-07-31T09:31:00.002-04:00

I have not blogged in a while and this is bad because at the beginning of the year I had planned to blog every day. Big major fail on that one. I am giving myself a pass on that though because I’m bat shit crazy. Okay, I’m not quite that crazy…I can still kind of function out in public. I have a job and everything and I can sometimes go to the grocery store. Sometimes I can…but sometimes when I get there my heart starts to pound and I can’t breathe and this screaming starts in my head and then I have to leave. Being around people is hard for me. Fortunately at work I’m in a block of offices with only one other person and my office is the last one on a dead end hallway so I don’t have to see other people much. Yay for me! I have been going to therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to try to get my meds right. We thought we found something that would work but now my insurance won’t pay for it (and I can’t afford $500 a month for meds) so back to the drawing board. That’s okay though…I know we’ll find something that will work and I will be what passes for normal for me again. Normal being sci-fi, zombie, vampire (but not sparkly vampires…yuck), gaming, comic, loving and completely different from everyone in the area I live. Do you know no one except my family around here has a zombie apocalypse emergency plan? Really what kind of people are these? They also listen to country music…which is just plain wrong. My husband wants to move back to NYC. He believes there we will find people more like us. I, however, think we just need to go back to our home planet

My first blogging award (could be like a chain letter but I don't care)

2010-06-19T13:53:00.002-04:00

I got an award on June 5. Yes, I know I'm slow. I've not been blogging lately and so I suck but maybe not so bad...you know, award and all. So here are the rules :

1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Share ten things about yourself
3. Pass the award along to 10 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic!
4. Contact the bloggers and let them know you've picked them for the award.

Thank you so much Daffodil Campbell for my very first blogger award. You rock. Seriously, you do. I think I might love you. Too much?

Ten things about myself..hmmmm....

1) I hate all things Twilight with a passion. I want to take those sparkly vampires and that stupid girl and run splintery stakes up their butts.

2) I love most all other vampire stuff though...Anita Blake, Sookie Stackhouse, Buffy, Betsey Queen of the Undead, etc.

3) I want to LARP with all of my being, which is something that makes me the brunt of many jokes in my family. I would like to be a mystic wood elf.

4) I greatly fear the zombie apocalypse and every now and then will find myself on survivalist web sites planning how we would fortify ourselves and survive.

5) I don't make friends easily.

6) I cried when Buffy, Stargate SG-1 and Star Trek the Next Generation went off the air.

7) My dream anniversary present is spending the weekend at the Renaissance Faire.

8) I have been writing a Stargate / Buffy crossover for three years now and I'm still not done.

9) We sometimes take in homeless people to live with us.

10) I have a vase full of dead flowers on my desk because I think they look cool.

Who shall I give this to? I'm going hunting for new bloggers this weekend and I'll update this with their names.

My very first award given goes to:
roxanesdays

#2 chillmamachill

I think I'm still in a bit of shock so I'm sorry if this is incoherent

2010-05-17T14:33:00.000-04:00

I was around 14 years old walking through my house singing Karma Chameleon. Our TV had been left on a concert movie called Black and Blue. I had never heard of the bands involved and was not interested because let's face it...it was not Culture Club. But then I wandered through the living room and a man's voice literally brought me to my knees. As I knelt in front of the TV with my mouth hanging open my world was changed. I quickly became obsessed with the small man with the huge voice. I saved every cent of my allowance and bought Black Sabbath albums. Then when I found out he had formed his own band, Dio albums joined the collection and then Rainbow and then I was mail ordering Elf albums from England. I collected every article I could find and papered the walls of my room in posters and pictures ripped from magazines of him. Through him I found a love of heavy metal that exists to this day. He opened me up to a whole world of music that I would never have come across (I live in an area where country music is way too popular). Dio was my very first concert and it was the best. I saw him in concert one other time and I kick myself for all the times I could have gone but missed for some reason or another. I wish I could thank him for the beauty he brought into my life. I wish I could see him in concert just one more time.

Godspeed Ronnie James Dio. You will be missed.

Don't be hating...whatever I do what I want

2010-05-07T20:54:00.000-04:00

I’m supposed to be working but I decided a blog post was more the thing. This is the things I hate episode…

Bras that hook in front. For some reason the last time I bought bras every freaking one I bought fastens in the front even though I knew I hated that. That’s what I get for bra shopping online with my best friend vodka. My problem with bras that hook in front is this…whenever I am out in public, with no warning, in the worst possible place that fucker will unhook and set the girls free. Now I like the feeling of my boobs running free as much as the next woman but they are large and rather floppy. I’m reminded of that teacher on South Park, Choksondik with her nipples hanging down out of the bottom of her sweater. Yep, that would be me.
People who stand at stop lights and collect money for charity. I can hear the whole two people who read this booing me now but hear me out. I hate this because I have to give them money. They don’t make me and I know I’m welcome to drive on by but I just can’t. If they feel passionately enough about something to stand in the hot sun or the rain and collect money for it then by god I’m going to give them something (many times the last bit of money I have). Even if it is for a cause that I care nothing about (Save the super slimy worm that climbs up people’s noses…well maybe I wouldn’t give to that one. I’d be curled up in a corner somewhere with my hand over my nose shivering in horror that such a thing exists.) I will still give. I hate to think that someone is suffering somewhere and I didn’t stop. The part I really hate is when I have no money with me at all and I don’t see them standing there until it’s too late to detour and I have to drive through…then I spend all day feeling like an ass. I hate that.
Reality TV. I don’t watch American Idol or Dancing with the Stars or The Bachelor or The Biggest Loser or Let’s see how many foreign objects I can fit in my anus (That’s not a show? Really? They televise everything else…I’d think that would be a hit.). My own life has enough drama that I don’t need to tune into other people’s. Though I will tell you a secret. We’re all friends here, right? You won’t tell anyone? Okay, here it goes…the real reason I don’t watch reality TV is…I’m an addict. Going back to the America’s Next Top Model debacle of 2008…if I start watching I can’t stop. It sucks me in and I start to care about these people. I find myself rearranging my schedule so I can watch it when it’s on. I watch the extra videos online. I try to find out what the people are doing after the show is over. It’s horrible and I felt dirty all the time so I quit cold turkey. Though every now and then I still feel the urge.
Girl Scout cookies. Actually I love me some girl scout cookies, what I hate is that they are only available once a year. What’s up with that shit? Offer perfect sugary goodness and then yank it away. Every year I tell myself, “hey I’ll buy extra this year and freeze them and then I can have girl scout cookies whenever I want.” Yeah right…I just end up eating that many more of the damn things in the same amount of time and still no cookies for the rest of the year. Stupid Girl Scouts.
Facebook. I use Facebook, most of my “friends” are family or people I knew from school. But with the exception of my family, do I really care how someone I haven’t seen in literally twenty years and I didn’t like that much to begin with is doing? The only posts I seem to care about are my family stuff and the few bloggers I also follow on Facebook (I loves me the bloggers I follow…they are all wonderful). So, you ask, why don’t I unfriend those high school people? That is a good question thanks for asking. The reason is because as soon as I unfriend someone I will run into them in the grocery store even though it has not happened in the whole twenty years we’ve lived in the same town. Karma works that way, you know. Karma is kind of a mean bitch.
Getting old. This is a no brainer, right? I can’t color my hair the color I want without people going, “You work in an office, you can’t have blue hair.” I had to take out all the piercings in my left ear (I had eight) because my ear started to cauliflower (stupid cauliflower ear…and no you can’t see it. Freaks.) I had to take out my nipple ring because of surgery and now I’m too embarrassed to go get it repierced because I’m a grandmother for god’s sake and I don’t want to be one of those pathetic old people who dress like they’re still sixteen (what do piercings and clothing have to do with each other? Why absolutely nothing…it’s like you’re being purposely dense). I also hate the fact that I ache all the time like I did some strenuous exercise when I really haven’t moved in two days. If I’m going to ache like I’ve been having wild sex then I better have had some wild sex (Hubby…looking at you here).
Daddy long legs. They are a creepy head with legs. What kind of thing has legs growing out of its head? When I was a child and running barefoot around the farm (yes, I grew up on a farm…a pig farm) I stepped on a daddy long legs and it was squashed on the bottom of my foot and I couldn’t get it off and I was traumatized. No one would help me they just laughed at me. I still have not recovered from the horror.
Worms. Any kind and all kinds of worms are super creepy. I don’t care how good they are for the soil and that they feed the pretty birdies. They are slimy and gross. Yuck, I say, yuck. This is why on the few occasions I’ve fished I’ve used artificial bait or I don’t fish (I also won’t take a fish off the hook…fish = also slimy).
Sad movies. I cannot stand anything that makes me cry. Especially sad movies about children. They make me want to hunt the writers down and beat them to death with a pointy, thorned stick. *Whack* How dare you even think something like that about beautiful babies *Whack* Yes, sad movies make me crazy violent. I still have not recovered from the saddest movie ever “What Dreams May Come”. If you don’t think that is the saddest movie ever you have a heart of stone and I stab you with my pointy stick.
Movies about animals. This goes back to not liking sad movies (really these should have been together but you know what? I’m still sleepy and I couldn’t think of ten things so they got separated…deal with it). I cannot watch a movie where an animal is hurt or dare I say it killed. I have never seen Bambi. When my family watched Ol’ Yeller I spent the whole time in the bathroom with my hands over my years going “Lalalalala”. The only way I will even watch an animal movie at all is if someone else watches it first and lets me know it’s okay. God help them if they lie to me because they think it’s funny. I’m on the edge, people. Expose me to animal trauma at your own peril.

Procrastination sucks balls

2010-04-13T12:47:00.000-04:00

I came home from work sick today. I have a monster living on the outside of my uterus and it attacks once a month. The only way I survive is vicodin washed down with ~~vodka~~ water (kidding, Hubby...I'd never do that). So even though I was coming home I thought I'd get some work done. I have this monstrous pile of paper in my office that I try to ignore. Sometimes it jumps on my back and attacks me but I always manage to beat it back down. I hate filing. I pretty much refuse to do but since I don't have someone to do it for me the pile of paper just keeps growing. I thought I'd just throw all this paper into a box and organize it real quick and then throw it into the filing cabinet when I get back to work. However, I horribly misjudged the amount of filing I had let slide. I have been working on organizing the paperwork for over three hours now and I'm still only half done. I have stacks of paper covering my bed and all over my bedroom floor. Now instead of finishing the mess up so its done I've wandered off to check my email and my twitter and somehow Sims 3 started up on my laptop. I keep looking at the pile and looking away in horror. I feel so bad I don't want to do it but if I felt good I wouldn't want to do it either. I wonder if anyone would notice if I just burnt it?

Murderous sports bra

2010-04-11T11:31:00.000-04:00

Today is off to a craptacular start. I gave Hubby night time cold medicine at 4 in the morning so he is out cold. He used all the coffee and didn't buy more so now I'm in the middle of huge caffeine withdrawals (must have coffee!...brains!!!). Because I drugged him he can't go buy me more coffee and I sure as heck not going out (poor planning on my part). I'm nauseous and my body hurts all over from this bug I have that just won't die. Then to top it all off I'm looking for clothes to get dressed and the only bra I can find that is not an underwire torture device made to push my boobs up under my chin is the bra that tried to kill me. Granted it had reason...I'd been walking around calling it the worst sports bra ever...and it is. Every time I bend over my boobs fall out. It's not that it's the wrong size because I've had my boobs measured by the boob experts at Victoria's Secret and since all they do is measure boobs all day I'm sure they got the size right. I think the problem is I bought the bra at Target's poorer redneck cousin (which I won't name because I don't want their thugs coming after me....I live in a constant state of fear). Well you get what you pay for and I definitely did. So one day Hubby and I were watching House and on this episode this woman dies because her bra hook scratched her back. Well apparently this gave the worst sports bra ever ideas. A couple of days later I felt a pain on my back and I had Hubby take a look and I had not one but two holes dug in my back from the bra hook. Of course, I panicked and started writing my eulogy. Hubby cleaned the wounds and they healed fine but it was close call. I never would have even known such an injury could kill me if it wasn't for House. TV is such a great teacher.

I know you're wondering why I still have the murderous sports bra. I just hate to get rid of anything and its really comfortable as long as I don't bend in the middle.

Men are easy and I may possibly be evil

2010-04-03T20:50:00.000-04:00

I woke up late for work this morning. I guess my alarm didn't go off. I was dreaming about trying to get ready for a beauty contest and I was running out of time. I could not get my hair fixed and my makeup on (obviously my subconscious way of telling me I was oversleeping and was not going to have time to get ready for work). When I realized there was a talent portion of the contest I panicked because I am completely talentless and then I woke up. Of course, I panicked again when I saw the time because I was already 40 minutes late for work so I rushed around and dashed out the door. Because I didn't have time to do my makeup correctly, I just have on heavy dark eye makeup so work is getting goth me today (I'm also dressed in black...goth me). As I got behind the long low line of cars on the drive to work my mind began to wander back in time....

*Picture Wayne and Garth doing the wavy thing with their hands going doodley do doodley do*

Many years ago I went to work in a small office (in a large manufacturing facility) where I was the only female. I beat out several other more experienced people for the job (I didn't have any job experience for the position but I was wicked good on a computer). I was very shy and very few people in the company were aware of who I was. This started the company rumor mill going that I must have done a little "something something" for the guys in the office to get the job over everyone else. I didn't find this out until much later because as I said I was very shy. I also didn't know that the guys in the office kept feeding this rumor mill by being super protective of me. No one was allowed to say a bad word about me in their hearing and if anyone upset me... look out.

As I slowly got to know these guys I became one of the boys and they got more and more risqué in their comments around me when they realized I wasn't going to scream sexual harassment. Eventually the risqué comments were directed to me. I just played along thinking of myself as "one of the boys". I didn't realize they were flirting with me or that I was flirting back. I thought I was a horrible troll beast and no one would ever be interested in me that way. I'd completely missed the memo where my big eyes and smile, my large breasts and small waist would be considered attractive to some men. I was in a horrible, abusive relationship at the time and he told me constantly I was hideous and I believed it. Besides, these guys were all married and they all knew I was in a relationship with a lunatic (my boyfriend at the time had no problem having fits in public places), so I thought the talk was just the normal joking around. I guess maybe I should have got a clue when one of the guys told me he had an open marriage or when another one tried to get me to go behind the building to give him a kiss for his birthday but I was completely oblivious.

When did it finally occur to me that these guys were serious when they suggested we get a room? One of the men in the department had taken a job in another part of the company and we were having his farewell lunch from our department. We all crowded into a mini-van and he climbed in so he could sit next to me. He asked me to scooch over a bit and when I rose up he slid his hand under me so when I sat back down his hand was under my ass. I started to jump back up but her smiled and shook his head no so I rode to the restaurant with him fondling my ass, trying to act like nothing was going on. To say that confused the hell out of me was an understatement, but it was his last day with our department and I did not see him much after that—until he took a position with another company. He was doing his rounds, saying his goodbyes and he caught me alone. Then he proceeded to tell me how he was in love with me and how he would have left his wife for me and he was completely serious. I wish I could say I thought up some come back that would have diffused such a weird situation but I mostly just sat there with my mouth hanging open looking like an idiot. For a minute I thought he was speaking some weird foreign language: that this attractive, well-educated, well-traveled older man was telling me he would leave his beautiful, well-educated wife for the queen of the trolls just did not compute. While I was standing there with my chin on the floor, he said his goodbyes, gave me a hug and left.

Eventually I was promoted and went to go work in another department. On my last day with the remaining guys one of them took me aside and told me he wanted to send me roses but if he did everyone would know that he loved me. I was thinking like a friend and I joked back "Well, I love you too." He grabbed my arm looked right into my eyes and said "No, I love you." Talk about awkward... I kind of laughed it off and ran away.

On the drive this morning I was thinking about this and why it happened. I have determined that men are easy and I have the gift of inadvertent hypnotism. While age and life experience have proved to me that I wasn't a complete troll I can think of no reason why these men would have behaved this way... unless I TAMPERED WITH THEIR MINDS!!! Now I wouldn't have been confident enough at that time to do it purposely so it had to have been subconsciously. My secret mind powers reached into their head and warped their brains and made them see an average looking, sometimes funny, rather smart girl as an awesome catch. Because they spent so many hours in a day with me, they had no hope but to succumb to my evil powers. As I have grown older I have gained more control over these powers but I've noticed they've grown in strength as well. I CAN EVEN MAKE THEM WORK OVER THE INTERNET! I see you shaking your head in disbelief but it’s true. Ask my hubby. Though he'll try to tell you that he loves me because I'm beautiful and smart and funny and whatever but what really happened was this: I saw him in a chat room and started stalking him. He wanted nothing to do with me so I USED MY EVIL POWER OF HYPNOSIS. He fell quickly after that. It took just one weekend visit with me to give up everything in New York City and move to BFE with me. I snared other men before him but he's the only one I wanted to keep.

I've been trying not to use my evil powers lately but I've developed quite the blog crush on Jenny, Shannon, Tanis, and Allie. I will not exert my evil mind control... I will not.... Whew this is hard....

And then there was light

2010-04-01T18:13:00.000-04:00

On this day in 1979 a light came into the world. A beacon in the darkness. A ray of hope for one who had none. I didn't even realize it at the time because I was 11 years old and in sixth grade. I didn't realize that in another country the other half of me was being born. That at that moment the other half of my soul finally made it into the world. It seems like we had to wait forever to actually be together but I thank everything that it finally happened. Happy Birthday, my wonderful, handsome, smart, funny, perfect husband. I love you.

This is what naturally curly hair looks like first thing in the morning...lmao

The greatest woman I know

2010-03-14T09:23:00.000-04:00

Today is my mom's birthday. She married right out of high school to her high school sweetheart of course. She is incredibly smart and she wanted to be a teacher but she never went to college. She had me a year after they got married and my sister C a year after that and my sister R three years after that. She never worked outside the home except for a period of six months when she worked in a nursing home while my dad was laid off. I'm not going to say she never worked because raising our family was hard work. I didn't realize it then but I sure know it now. She was wildly imaginative and we grew up with stories and fun play and Monty Python (thank you so much for my love of British tv) and singing crazy songs. Even though we didn't have much money we had a happy childhood. I know she had to push herself to give us this because the women in our family suffer from a genetic depressive disorder (which we only figured out when I was hospitalized for losing it) so she worked her ass off to make us happy when she was feeling miserable. She is the most amazing woman. She is the ultimate Nana to her grandchildren and great grandchildren and they love her like crazy. She is supportive and caring and loving even if she doesn't agree with whatever is going on. I am so honored to know her and to call her Mom. I love you so much Mom. Thank you for everything. Happy Birthday!

And for my next trick I shall make a baby appear in this box...TA DAH!

2010-03-10T19:03:00.000-05:00

Random not so epic fails because I might possibly be a dumbass

2010-03-06T17:28:00.000-05:00

My day so far:

Stupid alarm went off at 3:30 because of instead of just putting my ipod on it to charge I turned the alarm on...on my one day to sleep late (dumbass fail). Turned off Lily Allen singing "Fuck you" and went back to sleep (alarm fail).
Woke up at 5 with uber headache because I had the electric heater turned up too high (dumbass fail again), took excedrin crawled back into bed and downloaded apps on my ipod touch.
Got up at 6 and peed on stick...not pregnant (stupid pregnancy test fail).
Crawled back in bed and read twitter on blackberry.
Got up and took shower.
Mistook face cleanser for conditioner (shower fail)
Tried on new pilates outfit (looked good) felt urge to workout...wrestled that urge to the ground and choked the shit out of it.
Got on new laptop and read blogs. Which is where I am now minus the low blood sugar attack that had me in bed for another 45 minutes.
Today our plans are...replace old computer desk with new one (finally). Go to Trader Joe's for first time (I'm way too excited about going to a grocery store) and go see Alice in Wonderland. We can't go anywhere however until the gas man comes. We ran out of gas last night (again...dumbass fail because we never remember to check the gas) so we had to heat the house with little electric heaters. So the house is a little cold right now...not freezing but a tad uncomfortable. If he doesn't show up until later we won't get to do anything but the desk part. My new oven arrives tomorrow which I'm totally excited about because the one we have now is a piece of crap. Of course it's a gas oven so until the gas man comes it will just be a large, shiny paperweight.

Update:
Gas man didn't come so no Trader Joe's or Alice or dinner out. Stupid, stupid gas man...stupid, stupid us for heating with gas...

I did not know that Lily Allen and Courtney Love were feuding (color me clueless and not really caring but in case you do the link is below).

What the heck?

2010-03-03T04:18:00.000-05:00

Pretend judgmental people suck

2010-02-21T07:42:00.000-05:00

I met my Hubby on the internet. In a chatroom....I know.

"Shock! Dismay! How could you do that? What if he were a serial killer? How could he do that? What if you were a serial killer? (and that totally could have happened..I've walked the line a time or two)"

People I meet in r/t try not to act all dismayed but I know they're thinking I'm a nut. I can see it in their faces. If I told them I picked him up in a bar they wouldn't think twice about it but the internet (is for porn) is bad. How can I explain that the hours upon hours we spent chatting online before we even heard each other's voice on the phone, and the hours upon hours spent on the phone before we even saw each other in person let us know more of each other than people who have dated face to face for years?

"But he could pretend to be something he's not."

What do you think someone you meet in a bar is doing, pretend judgmental person? We all try to put our best face forward (to fool) impress someone we meet. However, when it's 3:00 in the morning and you're been chatting all night and you've done that for weeks straight not to mention emails composed during the day while you're supposed to be working (not that I'd ever do that) you get to know a person fairly well. When was the last time you spent 6 hours a night every night with someone you just met in r/t?

"Well it's just not the same when you can't see their face."

I'm getting really tired of you pretend, judgmental person. That's what webcams are for (not that Hubby and I used a webcam. We just exchanged pictures. Back in the olden days webcams weren't so commonly used.). I fell in love with the man who was my husband before I ever saw what he looked like. I was lurking in the chat room (because that's how I am...hiding in the bushes, peeking in the windows kind of girl) and I saw this person putting up these amazing well-written, well thought out comments. He made everyone else in the chat room look like idiots. I am a push over for intelligent, creative men and so I fell and fell hard. I went into the chat room every night watching him and getting more and more smitten. Finallly, I worked up the nerve to day something to him and he totally shot me down. As in "Don't talk to me. I'm too good for you," kind of way. Did that stop me? Oh no.

"How pathetic are you?"

Listen here, pretend judgmental person, I've about had enough of your crap. Any way to make a long story short (too late), I saw him in another chat room using another name but his writing style was so distinctive that I knew right away it was him. So I tried again and this time he chatted with me. We clicked and fell in love just like I knew we would. A lot of people in my life didn't get it because they didn't spend a lot of time online.

But if you're reading this, I think you get it. You understand how you can connect with someone you've never met face to face and perhaps never will. I have six people in this world that I completely trust (besides relatives). Three of them I met online and three I met in real life. Four of those six I've had intimate knowledge of (how's that for being discrete..lol) and/or crushed on (mad props to Hubby, Batman, Tattooed-wonder and Guitarman) for still talking to me after seeing me at my worst). Of the other two I talk to one regularly (Reddove) and the other I hardly ever talk to but I love with all my heart (hey Nessa, miss you).

I started blogging for lots of reasons. I needed to write more because it is my bliss but I'm a lazy ass and I'd rather read than put forth any effort. I wanted some kind of chronicle of my life, in case something happened to me (morbid much?) I was also lonely. I wanted to meet people who shared my interests. I wanted to meet people who would get it when I quoted Monty Python or Rocky Horror. I wanted to meet people who shared my love of Living Dead Dolls and zombies and Buffy and Shakespeare and all things Neil Gaiman and Clive Barker (except for Hellraiser...that scared me). I wanted to meet people who understand why I spend hours reading blogs and when I find a blogger I like why I spend hours reading their archives (currently I'm hanging out at Her Bad Mother's archives). I wanted to meet people who understand why Mr. Lady and Redneck Mommy and The Bloggess rock (Shannon, Tanis, Jenny...I am sporting such the girl-crush. I <3 you all.). I haven't met these people who will "get me" yet but I will. Eventually I will be able to add more people to the list of six I currently have and those people totally won't judge me because I'm 11 years older than my husband.

"You're what? Are you a cradle robber?"

That's it, pretend judgmental person. You're out of here.

Hairy, hairy bo berry

2010-02-16T08:42:00.000-05:00

Since I've been married I've been a sporadic leg shaver (and other things as well). I figured he's already married me he can deal with my sasquatch legs and pits (and other things). He signed the contract and now he's caught. However, I try to always shave my legs before I start my period. I am very anemic and due to a problem with a giant fibroid growing on my uterus (which has been the bane of our trying to conceive...damn you fibroid, damn you) I bleed like a stuck pig hemorrhaging to death. So sometimes I pass out. If you pass out twice in a row your darling husband and loving daughter might panic and call an ambulance. The concerned paramedics might make you go to the hospital where the hard-working nurses might decide they need a urine sample. But oh you are on your period so we'll have to get the sample with a catheter. So unveil your hairy legs (and other things) for everyone walking by in the emergency room. I know I could hear the nurses snickering. So now I am proactive and shave when I know I'm going to start. My poor husband gets to see my legs unhairy once a month...just at a time when he can't enjoy it. Oh well, he'll just have to put up with the stubble burn.

Elephant man in a dress

2010-02-10T12:01:00.000-05:00

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a cute dress if your legs and arms are slightly scary? It is very, very hard. I had gastric bypass surgery and it was an amazing success. When fully covered by clothes I look pretty good for my age but its when my upper arms, thighs, knees and stomach is revealed that it gets nasty (and not in a good way). Because I was older when I had the surgery my skin was lacking the elasticity to pull back in when my weight went down and so now, now I look like the elephant man under my clothes. The skin on my upper arms are full fledged wings. I could leap out of trees with flying squirrels and keep up. My stomach...well lets just say I could hide a small child in the skin I roll up and tuck into my clothes there. My thighs and knees...well my thighs look like the ocean during a storm, rough and wavy. My knees catch all the extra skin that gravity is pulling down so they are...well for some reason Jabba the Huts face comes to mind. Most cute dresses have little sleeves and come above the knee which is a no-no for me, unless I want to cause a screaming, horrified stampede. I want to start going grown-up places and doing grown-up things (about time since I'm in my forties) and I need the wardrobe to do it. It's just going to be a little harder putting it together than I thought. Oh, and did I tell you...SNOW DAY! Woo hoo!

Beware the Tiny Snowman Army!!!!

2010-02-06T16:22:00.000-05:00

I have not been posting here nearly as much as I'd like. My hours at work are pushing way more than 40 and I'm just not an overtime kind of girl. Frankly I'm barely a get out of bed kind of girl...lazy is my middle name (not really, I mean how cruel would my parents have to be to name their oldest daughter Laurie Lazy?). So blogging for now has been reduced to weekends (which used to be three days for me but now is only two...stupid overtime at work. Overtime which I don't get paid for since I'm salaried...grrrrrr). We did accomplish some things this week. We got one of those cool Flipcams so now we are going to be uploading little video clips like mad. We also got a giant hard drive to store all the little videos for editing. We made the decision to go get me some new (used...new for me) office furniture for the corner of the bedroom I think of as my office next weekend. We had a snow storm this weekend so that was a no go. Speaking of....I started my tiny snowman army. Right now they are 8 strong and they will take you all down unless you're a zombie or made of fire...then they're screwed.

I am also aware the snowman army is lacking arms. They have complained about this many times but they are ankle biters so they get by.

Things I learned this weekend

2010-01-31T09:15:00.000-05:00

Things I learned this weekend:

I should have bought the bigger container of wasabi peas.

Working from home sucks.

The dolls I like to collect are way too expensive. But I want them anyway.

Eric Stoltz just gets hotter as he gets older. I totally could be a stalker.

Mr. Lady is wonderful and makes you feel like a person. I so could stalk her.

I would like to stalk The Bloggess too but she's not responded to me yet. I've got my binoculars ready though.

There is apparently a reason I can't go out in public. lanned = stalker

The person who has been my best friend for years apparently only uses me for birthday wishes. Batman you suck.

Sonohysteerography is a lot more painful than what they let you believe. Especially if they have to insert the catheter more than once. You bleed for a long time afterwards. It sucks.

I can still conceive. Hubby step it up because I think the doctor believes I can become pregnant in the next couple of months. Yeah little curly red headed Edwina!!!

Potty training involves a lot of clapping. Go Z you're a big girl. Go Z you're a big girl.

I want a house full of babies. *Hoping when I get pregnant I have twins*

I don't want my daughter and her babies to ever move out. (i.e. unrealistic expectations)

My parents aren't ever allowed to get sick or anything like that. (one again i.e. unrealistic expectations)

My husband is super brilliant Yet another stupid blog

Let me do you like you wanna be done

2010-01-30T20:48:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about my celebrity "to-do" list. You know, that list of people you will never, ever meet that you get a free pass "to-do" from your partner? I've never really had one because I pretty much just think about hubby but he added Zoey Deuschanal (sp?) to his today so I started thinking about mine. I'm also supposed to be working from home right now and I'd rather do anything but that so this sounds like a productive alternative.

I watched Caprica this morning. If you are not watching you are missing a great show. Really, watch it. Eric Stoltz is on it and I realized today if I had a list he would be on it. I've always kind of had a thing for him but Caprica sealed it. He's so hot in the glasses and getting older has just made him better.

I have always been a huge fan of Stargate SG-1. I have the DVDs and I read the fanfiction and I also write some fanfiction. Michael Shanks is just so pretty. He would definitely be on my list though I must admit I do prefer him before the whole military haircut thing.

I have an extra special fondness for John Barrowman. He must be the prettiest man on television. If you don't know who he is watch Torchwood.

If you haven't noticed I like my men pretty...not so much masculine. Speaking of...Tom Welling is extraordinarily pretty. But I don't think I'd put him on the list. Jeez, this is harder than I thought.

Cleaningclownaphobia

2010-01-28T19:08:00.002-05:00

I am the worst grandmother ever. Wait, let me rephrase that... I am the worst grandmother ever of grandmothers who actually adore and love their grandchildren and think they are wonderful and would never do anything to hurt them. I'm a great grandmother compared to mean grandparents who do purposely cruel things to their grandchildren. I would never purposely do anything cruel to my babies because they are my princesses. Any way, I was babysitting on Monday (perhaps I should have blogged this on Monday or any day between then and now but I've been tired so just Be Quiet now) and I went to run the vacuum. We have to do this a lot now because we are being invaded by lady bugs and Baby M just started crawling last week, and I hate to say it but Baby M is a bug eater. If it's creepy and crawly she will try to put it in her mouth and chew it up. If you stick your finger in her mouth to pull it out she will cry, because she likes the bugs. The child is constantly chewing something so we constantly have our fingers in her mouth. It's gotten to the point that if she finds something she really likes she will hold onto it with both hands and curl up into a little ball to try and protect her mouth. Baby M has never shown any signs of being afraid of the vacuum before so I didn't think twice about starting it up. That was the first time I've ever seen a little baby heart attack. Baby M's little eyes and mouth went into perfect little circles and she did the whole body shake. She was too scared to even cry. Then later on I let Z watch a large retailers commercial with a screaming clown and now she is scared of clowns. She said he made her stomach hurt. I have probably started phobias that will plague them for the rest of their lives. Baby M will have a fear of cleaning and Z will have a fear of clowns. Doesn't everyone have a fear of clowns? Except for my Hubby that is. He's got the hots for clowns. He's the one who's always putting all those hits on the clown porn sites. Sick, sick puppy.

No country for bad internet

2010-01-25T18:56:00.000-05:00

Hubby may be having a breakdown. As I am an expert in the subject having had many of my own, I think I see the signs. The loss of interest in things he used to enjoy, sleeping in the middle of the day, random fits of apathy, running naked outside tearing at his hair with his penis flopping in the wind, chopping up the neighbors and stuffing their pieces down the pipe to our septic system while giggling manically. All the signs are there. I'm really worried about the loss of interest in things he used to enjoy. He used to be a World of Warcraft maniac but I made him move to the boonies and now our internet is spotty at best. It's all my fault and I am a horrible wife...when he starts looking at me and then the septic pipe I have to get clever and distract him with sugar-free low carb cookies or turkey enchilada soup or the occasional blow job. That usually buys me some time. Then he got sucked into twitter land but he's a political junkie and the democrats have him so frustrated now he's pulling out his hair in big chunks. He's getting a camera for his birthday (not a surprise, he knows it...he doesn't like surprises cause he's a nutter) so in a couple of months I'm hoping photography becomes his thing so he can ignore the fast downward slide of the country and forget about World of Warcraft.

P.S. I'm also worried about the way he disposes of bodies...I know I taught him better than that.
P.P.S. Some of the above was an exaggeration or could be out right lie. He would never tear at his hair...he is very vain about it.
P.P.P.S. I haven't really had that many breakdowns...that's why I'm heavily medicated to keep that from happening.

Mr. Hanky comes late

2010-01-24T14:10:00.000-05:00

I had to take an emergency shower because I was laying (lying? who knows, well I know you probably do but I'm in the middle of sickness right now so I just don't care) on the floor because I ate too many chocolate covered coffee beans while reading The Bloggess' sex column and Baby M was smacking me in the face trying to gouge my eye out and then she puked in my hair. Because of the bean eating I was dumping (for those of you who don't know I had gastric bypass surgery so eating chocolate covered coffee beans is bad...makes me poo). I had to keep jumping out of the shower and lunging for the toilet which made me dizzy. Man, am I lucky old people owned this house before us and there are grab bars all over the bathroom or I could have been extremely injured. Yay old people!!!

P.S. I know this whole thing was T.M.I. but its not as bad as my husband's secret lust for Chewbacca. How do I know he lusts for Chewbacca if it's secret, you ask? Well its obvious...I haven't shaved my legs in a long time...a looooonnnngggg time and he still thinks I'm sexy so it's deductive reasoning ala Sherlock Holmes.

It's the end of the world as we know it

2010-01-23T16:49:00.000-05:00

Well I've already hit a snag on the remodel. I got the doors off the cabinets and I pick up the denatured alcohol to begin cleaning the cabinets when I glance down and read the warnings. Holy shit!!! "Do not breathe these fumes or your brains will turn into some kind of nasty banana gelatin. Do not move while using this product unless you are wearing a full body anti-static suit or the fumes might explode. Extinguish any possible flame within a twenty mile radius or it could cause total nuclear annihilation of the whole planet. Even looking at the warnings on this container could cause an explosion. In fact, if you are reading this now kiss your ass goodbye." Now I'm afraid to move forward. Maybe I should just try cleaning the cabinets for painting with nail polish remover. It's almost the same thing, right?

The kitchen will not be blue

2010-01-23T08:54:00.002-05:00

So we start the first step of our kitchen remodel today. Do you know how hard it is to turn a screwdriver made to look like a duracell battery while your hands are wet and stained blue with food coloring? No? Well it's really hard. Just so you know I'm not using blue food coloring in the kitchen remodel. It's just a thing.

Butt spray

2010-01-23T06:54:00.000-05:00

My hubby's butt is totally like a kick ass hot water bottle. When I'm on my period I will cuddle up to him and press my abdomen against his butt and it's like totally hot. Last night I was having trouble with my sciatic nerve because of my butt muscle and I pressed my butt up against his and it magically helped. He has a magic butt. I would totally post a picture of it here (I have one where I sprayed some spray tan all over it to see how it would look orange that he thinks I deleted but I sooooo didn't) but then he would kill me and that would not be fun.

Civilization ends under a pile of useless paper

2010-01-14T17:31:00.000-05:00

I’m trying to get my daily blog written now (which I’ve missed for the last two days because I’m bad…bad and tired…bad and tired and lazy) because one of the reports I run at work is BROKEN (I’m a little upset about that) and I had to do it manually this morning and I’m trying to fix it and the piece that is broken takes forever to run so every time I change something I sit here with my thumb up my ass and wait for it to finish so I can see just how BROKEN it still is. I’m annoyed. The hormones seem to be getting worse every month. I may just run amuck (amuck, amuck, amuck, amuck, amuck). Though yesterday at work was bad (I snapped at people and I don’t ever do that), last night at home was great. I picked the munchkins up from my mom’s and they were so happy to see me. From Z I always get a “Hiya!” (said with an exclamation point, thank you very much) and a big running hug and little M just started hooting and smiling at me (because she’s not talking yet…unless you speak monkey). So I took the babies home (little M was so jamming to the radio) and we sat in the kitchen and Hubby cut up a cantaloupe and Z and M played on the floor while I made supper. Then after eating we had baby bath time. Little M has just gotten big enough to be able to take a bath with Z and she gets so excited every time she sees the tub (once again talking in monkey). They’ve been using a Pooh blow up tub that’s on its last legs. We’re going to try the big tub this weekend and see how that goes. After the bath little M was worn out and fell asleep in Hubby’s arms. I read Z The Stinky Cheese Man and she was a little disturbed by the illustrations (the cow really bothered her). Then Z and I stuck stickers all over the bookshelf and the books and then took them off and stuck them on again. There was ice cream eating and then Paeg got home and I collapsed into a dead sleep at 8:30. I am such a party animal.

Update: Got the report fixed…yay!!! Now, however I have to sort through the giant pile of papers that I need to file that I haven’t filed on principle (the principle being that I hate filing and I keep hoping if I just stack the papers up maybe they’ll go away. Instead they sit at my back waiting for the opportunity to jump on my head.)

Pointless post

2010-01-11T17:58:00.001-05:00

GAaaahhh!!!!!!!!!! I need to get over this or get some professional help. Oh crap, I am already getting professional help. I am so fucked.

Maybe, someday

2010-01-10T18:55:00.002-05:00

I wish I had something interesting to say right now but I don't. I have a list of things to blog about but right now I don't care about anything. I shot my load trying to make a nice supper and now I'm pretty much done. It doesn't help that my dear aunt Flo is coming to visit soon and I am completely out of one of my happy pills and have not been able to drag my sorry ass to the drug store to get more. I want to meet people online and make friends and say something that matters but until I figure out my meds I don't think that's going to happen. Sometimes I just feel so dead inside, like nothing is worth the effort. But we've all been there, right? I told myself I would blog every day and I will. It's just some days will be better than others and maybe someday I will find a voice and people will want to get to know me. Maybe...someday.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye

2010-01-09T07:04:00.001-05:00

You know it's true love when you haven't shaved your legs in like a month and your hubby doesn't care. Not that I would do that. I'm just sayin'....

Stupid snow

2010-01-08T19:03:00.001-05:00

Snow! I am a firm believer that if it snows it should snow enough to shut every thing down. If it snows no one should have to go out in it. I know you're thinking what about those states where it snows like 9 months a year. Those people would never get any work done and they would all starve and their children would be stupid because they'd never get to go to school. Well that doesn't matter because this is my blog and it is all about me. So there. So here I was last night praying for a snow day and I did I get one? Oh fuck no. Oops...I just dropped the F bomb. Shame on me. Anyway, I get up this morning, fingers and toes crossed and flip on my monitor to check the internet. Everything and its brother is closed but is my work...oh heck no. So I shower and dress and drive to work...the roads were kind of sucky but nothing I couldn't handle because I know how to drive in cold weather. Unlike some of the other asswipes that are out on the roads. This is just another day that I really don't want to be here. I have got to get over this because I really like my job. I think it's the being around people that I'm having a hard time with. Why, why why am I a hermit? I want funny, clever, weird friends that I can trust. But the trust thing is a whole other post.

Praying for a snow day

2010-01-07T18:43:00.002-05:00

After a rather hellish day at work I've spent the evening discovering that both babies fit in the oven of the kitchen Z got for her birthday. We tried to take a picture but it didn't take well so tomorrow we break out the video camera! I'm spending time in between play cooking babies checking the snow closings praying that work gets called off tomorrow. After the day I had today I need an extra day off.

Good girl gone bad

2010-01-06T20:43:00.003-05:00

From pretty, pretty princess to...

Underwear Gangsta

Gag me with a spoon

2010-01-06T20:14:00.003-05:00

I realize now the goal I set for myself was harder than I thought it would be. My goal was simply to blog every day. However, I made this goal when I was on a break from work. I was sleeping in every morning and starting my day slowly and when something popped into my head I would just sit down at my PC and type. I went back to work yesterday though and at random times through the day something I would like to blog about would pop into my head and then the phone would ring or someone would have a problem and I would forget. By the time I got home my brain was mush and I ended up posting a wandering, rambling mess. I forgot that working 10 - 11 hour days makes the brain tired. I forgot that like an old woman I am ready for bed by 8:30. I was always one of those people who said "Dude, if I won the lottery I would totally keep working. I wouldn't be able to stand being at home." And I am such a stinking liar! I would kill to be able to stay home (well maybe not kill...well maybe if it was someone I really didn't like, like that one old boss of mine...but we won't go there). If Hubby and I have a baby (which we are trying...more tests on Friday...woo hoo - that was a totally sarcastic woo hoo, in case you didn't pick up on that) we better win the lottery so I can be a stay at home Mom. I didn't get to do that with Paeg and I wish I could have. If I was a SAHM I could so totally keep the little grandmunchkins too and eat all their baby num-nums. As I read back through this post I've made a discovery...not only am I old, I am apparently an old valley girl (totally different head man totally).

Who's making fudge?

2010-01-05T18:47:00.002-05:00

I had to go back to work today. Paeg called me and then Z got a hold of her phone and kept calling me. She'd say "Hi Hiya. Bye." and then she'd hang up. She did this over and over again until I was about to fall out of my seat laughing. She does this adorable thing where instead of saying mine or me she'll say "My Z..."(her name). Can you tell I'm completely enamored of the child? Both of my grandchildren...Maia is almost crawling...she gets up on her hands and knees and revs her engine but when its time to take off she stalls. I was going to post some pictures but SOMEONE who shall remain nameless did not put the pictures on my pc where I told him to. Of course, the first question someone asks is why don't you take them off the camera yourself? Because I work 10 hour days and I'm lazy so Shut up! My phone still isn't home. I felt naked all day long and my left hand can't take this empty feeling much longer. I might be having some kind of weird mini-stroke now or something but for some reason my room just started smelling like fudge. Weird.

Happy Birthday Z!!!!

2010-01-04T18:06:00.004-05:00

Happy Birthday to my beautiful granddaughter Z. She is two years old today. It just seems like yesterday that my senior in high school daughter came to me and told me she was pregnant. I felt like the bottom had dropped out of everything. But we thought long and hard and figured out a way for her to still attend college and take care of the gift that was coming. So my Paeg got to her winter break of her freshman year of college and we waited for the baby...and waited... and waited. We bought a baby's first Christmas ornament and Christmas came and went but no baby. Finally, realizing that her vacation was coming to an end we talked Paeg's doctor into inducing labor. So on January 4, 2008 we went into the hospital and a beautiful, wonderful baby girl was born. She was so aware when she came out. She made eye contact with everyone and would whip her head around if she heard her mother's voice. Since then she has filled every day of all of our lives with joy. The best part of my day is when she sees me for the first time of the day. She will call out "Hiya!" in a happy voice and run to me and throw her arms around me. She says please and thank you in this tiny little voice whenever she asks for anything. She worries about everyone in the house wondering where they are and what they are doing. She has these little conversations now where she tells you whatever is on her mind. She worries about her babies and where they are. She says "I love you" and gives kisses and hugs freely. She is wonderful. I love you Baby Z. Happy 2nd Birthday.

Withdrawal

2010-01-04T14:54:00.002-05:00

AAAAAAAAAahahaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaa
Whew...glad I got that out of my system. It's almost 3:00 and I'm still in my pajamas because I am suffering withdrawal? I know you're thinking...what is it? Is it the demon booze, horse, meth? No, it's a million times worse. I am in withdrawal from my blackberry (For you literal people...the million times worse was a joke...I do not think that withdrawal from any addicting substance is easy or fun). My Blackberry went on a trip without me that has become extended. (I know you are iphone people are turning your nose up at me now and believe me I would have loved me an iphone. However, AT&T coverage is so scattered where I live that I could not justify spending the money on a phone that I could only use if I stood on my roof, balanced on one leg with a coat hanger in my mouth with the phone hoisted up in the air like the statue of liberty with her torch). My sister lives in Louisiana. She brought her kids up to stay with my parents for Christmas with plans to pick them up this past weekend. She was driving through Alabama and her car broke down and of course it being New Year's weekend no mechanics were available. So my Mom and Dad volunteer to drive down to Alabama (we are in Indiana, by the way) and pick my sister up and take her and the kids back home to Louisiana while her husband gets the car fixed. Well it just so happens that my parents cell phone had just bit the bucket so I volunteered mine thinking it would be home by tonight. But no, my sister's husband cannot move the car (something about the warranty) and so my parents had to drive back to Alabama and take him back to Louisiana so now my phone won't be home until late Tuesday or even worse, early Wednesday.
As I know most of you don't know me so you won't know that my phone goes with me everywhere. What would I do if I was in the middle of a random step and couldn't check my twitter or e-mail or facebook? Now I find myself wandering around the house aimlessly looking at my left hand like it holds the secrets of the world. It used to, now it's just a sweaty palm.

Lazy

2010-01-03T10:54:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting here looking around at my bedroom trying to get it to rearrange itself with the power of my mind. For some reason it's not working (stupid, faulty superpowers). I guess I'm going to have to move soon and do something. I always have a problem doing something/anything on Sunday. Mostly I just want to curl up with hot chocolate and watch Some Like It Hot. Weird, huh? Or maybe A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. Growing up I always knew it was Easter because my mom would break out the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack and the Wizard of Oz and A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum were on TV. Those were some of our big Easter traditions (well besides the whole coloring eggs, egg hunting thing, easter basket thingey). My Dad always used to tell us he shot the Easter Bunny (and Rudolf at Christmas)...mean, mean, mean. Just kidding...about my Dad being mean...he really did say that about the whole shooting the bunny but he was just teasing.

Last minute birthday

2010-01-02T14:12:00.003-05:00

We had to move up Z's b-day party because of a car breakdown in Alabama. We were going to have the party tomorrow but now we need to do it today because Mom and Dad have to drive the niece and nephew back down south. Good thing Paeg picked up everything yesterday. This is going to be a short post. I'm really kind of feeling down today. I really just want to go to sleep. Only 363 more posts to go this year...lol

Resolutions and other myths

2010-01-01T10:58:00.003-05:00

So its the first day of a new year. This year I will:

1. Blog every day and make hubby do the same (and he is sooo whining about it).
2. Let people know about my blog and link to hubby's blog.
3. Re-do my kitchen and post before and after pics...cause my kitchen is hideous and if I don't do something soon I might explode
4. Get hubby an SLR camera so we can take decent pics
5. Get me a kindle...if I don't get one soon someone's going to suffer
6. Lose 14 more pounds so I'll be exactly where I want to be.
7. Re-do my office space...well my office corner...actually its more like a crevice but it does have a desk...lol
8. Learn more html and css and get my own website
9. Become a better friend and make more friends cause I suck at that now
10. Be a better mother, daughter, grandmother, wife and sister cause I suck at all those things too.
11. Have a decent garden this year
12. Budget and stick to it.
13. Learn Spanish

I'm sure there's some other stuff I'll think of soon but I haven't been awake all that long and I'm just a tad hung-over. Now we're off to Wally World to get the makings for Z's second b-day party.

2009-12-27T12:11:00.001-05:00

Things I hate:

My bedroom smells like feet. Why? Why does it smell like feet? I can't figure it out and its driving me crazy.

Dishes...I hate dirty dishes and the kitchen in general.

Being a packrat. Why do I feel the need to keep everything? That someday I want to have an interesting garage sale isn't a good answer.

Constant headaches...why won't they go away?

I'm way too annoyed to type anymore right now so more things later after I've calmed down.

Christmas

2009-12-26T11:01:00.000-05:00

Christmas was great!!! My sister and her husband and kids came up from Louisiana and Zeda loves her second cousin Draven. She calls him beyou...it's so cute. Zeda and Maia loved their presents. Zeda got a rocking horse and a doll house and two babies that use the bathroom (one in her diaper the other one in the pottie). Maia got her first baby doll and this big musical thing that I don't even know what to call but she loves it. Paegan got a crap load of MAC makeup and a Victoria's secret gift card. Edwin got new clothes to fit his rapidly shrinking body. And I got an Ipod touch!!!! It was completely unexpected. I was sooooo surprised. I was up all night (because I never sleep anymore) downloading apps. Right now I'm babysitting the little muchkin because the slightly bigger munchkin is going to her first movie (The Chipmunks sequel) with her Mom and Dad. She told me she has to be "Very Quiet". She is getting so big. She'll be two on January 4th. They are both my little dolls. Now if Edwin and I could just have one more little doll it would be perfect.

Butt crack of dawn

2009-12-24T12:47:00.000-05:00

I got up at the butt crack of dawn this morning and started making Christmas cookies. How many different cookies does that jolly old fat man need anyway? The only one that turned out any good was the low carb snickerdoodles. I can totally recommend cooking with almond meal instead of flour...it rocks. Unless you have a nut allergy and then it sucks. My sister is here from Louisiana. I haven't got to see her yet because I am still cooking getting ready for tomorrow.

Christmas stuff at the mall and hermit crabs

2009-12-21T10:37:00.001-05:00

I'm having a little trouble getting into this whole Christmas thing. I was all about it at first...but now...not so much. We went to the mall on Saturday and took the babies to see Santa. Maia sat on his lap because Maia is 6 months old and just likes everyone...Zeda almost two did not trust the strange bearded fat man and would not sit on his lap. There was a kiosk in the mall selling hermit crabs which Zeda found fascinating so, of course, we came home with two. Spongebob and Superman...spongebob is fearless...Superman will only crawl around at night. And Spongebob is a bully...totally kicks Superman's ass...who knew? Zeda is alternately scared and fascinated by them. She calls Spongebob Mr. Crabs...my little angel is so smart...

I suck!!!

2009-12-01T21:57:00.000-05:00

I should be working on my stories or my coding or helping my friend Steve figure out why his video is not working on his webpage but instead I'm playing games...why? self why? why won't you concentrate?

C-I-T

2009-11-29T07:12:00.001-05:00

Cheerleaders in training...or let the brainwashing begin.

Pretty in Pink

2009-11-28T17:53:00.000-05:00

I was doing laundry this week and as I separated the clothes I realized that between my daughter and her two beautiful baby girls I had enough pink clothes to do a very large pink load. Who wears that much pink? My daughter and her babies apparently do. Which is rather upsetting to her step-father and I as we tend to dress more on the goth end of the spectrum.

Dumpster diving

2009-11-27T07:49:00.001-05:00

What kind of person throws away a perfectly good baby?

New Year's Resolutions early

2009-11-26T18:23:00.000-05:00

This picture was taken today of me and my hubby. We've been married two years and he's put up with so much from me. The man deserves a medal. I decided that I would make my New Year's resolutions early this year. I have been horribly depressed and wishing for things that just aren't going to happen. Now that I've finally broken down and admitted I need the hysterectomy I almost feel like I have a weight lifted off of my shoulders. So I decided before I crash every night I'm going to work on the stories I've had sitting in limbo and I'm going to work on my webpage so I can post them somewhere along with this blog. There are other resolutions that I'm not sure I can keep but I'm not going to say them out loud because that way they don't count. Right?

So...

2009-11-21T07:52:00.000-05:00

So I started my period yesterday (bet you wanted to hear that, right?). This is a moment of trauma for me as it is every month. About a year and a half ago my gyno told me that my chances of getting pregnant was slim to none and that I needed a hysterctomy. Of course, my response to that was "I'll show you". I was newly married and even though I'm in my 40's my husband was at the back end of his 20's and had no children of his own. So I thought this would be one of those medical miracle things where I would magically pop a baby out of my butt. Unfortunately it did not happen that way. A year and a half later my time of the month has gotten so bad that I literally cannot function and I lose so much blood that I have become severely anemic. Finally I broke down and I made an appointment with a different gyno. I'm still hoping that he gives me some other options than giving up my dream of having a child with my wonderful Eddie.

Conversation in bed

2009-11-18T17:08:00.001-05:00

Conversation between me and my husband:

Me: My Eddie Bear
Husband: You can’t call me that. Someone else called me that.
Me: Well then you can’t call me Laurie.

The Real About Me (part 1)...

2009-11-14T07:50:00.000-05:00

I grew up in Indiana the oldest of three girls. My parents married right out of high school and are still married (go them!!!) The first memory I have is my room in the apartment we lived in when I was very small. All I really remember is the Witchy Poo poster on the wall. That my first memory is of a witch may explain much about me. I went on to be the "smart" one in my family. My sister (a year younger than me) was the pretty one. As if those labels didn't warp us for life. I spent my whole school career quite arrogant in my belief that I was brilliant but completely insecure with my looks. My sister on the other hand knew she was gorgeous but was convinced she was dumb as a stump. She was not..she's just as smart as I was (if I was really smart at all...personally I think I was just a really good faker). I'd like to say I was not a total troll but I never got over my insecurities.

So...

2009-11-14T07:46:00.000-05:00

I'm up this morning at 4:00 in the morning because I don't sleep anymore and I'm picking up the toys that somehow escaped their cage in the middle of the night. There is this little pink chick sitting on the kitchen counter so I pick it up to put away and it starts cheeping. The blasted thing is still cheeping almost four hours later. I can't make it stop. If I wasn't already a nut I'd be completely losing it. Would I be a bad grandmother if I went medieval on the toy and chopped it into small pieces?

Dreaming is free

2009-11-14T07:45:00.001-05:00

I keep having these dreams where I find myself naked in public and I forgot to shave my legs. I never seem to worry that I'm naked. The part I worry about is that my legs look like Sasquatch. What does that say about me?

So...

2009-11-13T20:55:00.000-05:00

So here goes another weekend. Hopefully one where I dress and shower, especially since I'm supposed to leave the house tomorrow. I love my sushi pajamas but people look at me funny when I wear them out in public. My daughter about broke my heart today. She was talking about moving out and taking the babies with her. She has two girls, one will be two in January and the other is fast approaching six months. Our house if very full but it's wonderful. My living room and kitchen and bedroom are covered in baby toys and I wouldn't have it any other way. Edwin and I are trying to have a baby but I guess we've just about given up. My doctor is pretty adamant that I need a hysterectomy. I've been fighting it because I want another baby. My only child is 21 years old. Edwin doesn't have any children and I want us to have at least one. A girl...and we'll call her little curly red-headed Edwina.

Family gatherings

2009-11-08T16:55:00.000-05:00

I just got back from a family gathering. A birthday thing for my nephew and niece. I love them both dearly but I go into these things thinking the only thing I have to contribute is my knowledge of the zombie apocolaypse. Of which I have extensive knowledge and which my family strangely worries about.

2009-11-08T11:37:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to read Terry Brook's Shanarra series and so far it's bad. It's so bad there are no words. Well there are words because I'm typing them now but it's bad. When he described the terrible awesomeness of one character I realized that Terry Brooks is really Jack Black in disguise.

Sick

2009-11-08T11:33:00.000-05:00

Ugg...and not the comfy boots...just uggg...I feel sick. I've been having medication issues among other things. Like IT'S NOT WORKING! It's getting harder and harder to leave the house. Yesterday I didn't change out of my pajamas at all. I just spent all day in bed reading old dooce blogs (Heather you're my hero). If I've already got the winter blahs it is going to be a very long winter.

FTF (Fighting to Function)

Dying inside

I love ol' sneaky snake

I feel like they're crawling all over me...

Creative murder technique

Happy Birthday to me

I’ve got nothing but shit.

Braaainnnssss

Yes, I suck...

My first blogging award (could be like a chain letter but I don't care)

I think I'm still in a bit of shock so I'm sorry if this is incoherent

Don't be hating...whatever I do what I want

Procrastination sucks balls

Murderous sports bra

Men are easy and I may possibly be evil

And then there was light

The greatest woman I know

And for my next trick I shall make a baby appear in this box...TA DAH!

Random not so epic fails because I might possibly be a dumbass

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Withdrawal

Lazy

Last minute birthday

Resolutions and other myths

Christmas

Butt crack of dawn

Christmas stuff at the mall and hermit crabs

I suck!!!

C-I-T

Pretty in Pink

Dumpster diving

New Year's Resolutions early

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Conversation in bed

The Real About Me (part 1)...

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Dreaming is free

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Family gatherings

Sick